


glad to have you (right where you want to be)

by darkmochecoffee



Series: Doctor!Myeon AU [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - Medical, Barebacking, ChanBaek - Freeform, Idk what this was, KrisHo - Freeform, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, What Was I Thinking, have some cookies, im sorry pls forgive me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 10:57:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8747839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmochecoffee/pseuds/darkmochecoffee
Summary: Junmyeon meets Yifan during the most unstable phase of his life. (Neurosurgeon!Suho meets Racer!Yifan)





	

_title taken from Kris's July._

* * *

* * *

The first thing Junmyeon perceived that day were the unicorns. Their sparkly eyes and pink horns obnoxiously glaring at him from his younger brother's equally obnoxious magenta pyjamas. Junmyeon always hated that thing.

Soojung, the lovely girlfriend gave it to Jongin as a Christmas present two years ago and Junmyeon did not necessarily understand where all the thrill is coming from, the thing is fucking hideous and he secretly judged Soojung for her gift giving capacities back then. Still, love blinds all and Jongin is apparently too in love with the damned pyjamas just as how he adored his girl friend.

"I'm marrying Soojung."

Junmyeon does not hear the words as he sluggishly made his way towards the bar counter, blindly grasping for his coffeemaker by sheer force of will.

"Hyung," There's a whine at the back of Jongin's throat and Junmyeon visibly ignored him, pretends to ignore. Who the hell knows?

Jongin technically shouted "I'm getting married." this time and that methodically cleared the cobwebs in Junmyeon's malfunctioning mind.

"Jongin," Junmyeon rolled his eyes, pretending that his insides weren't revolting against him. To be honest he just wanted to lean over the counter and throw up his organs so that he does not need to be forced to feel the apparent whiplash that Jongin is probably going to inflict on him. He is so pathetic sometimes, it's almost humorous.

"I barely slept Jongin, I came home after a fifteen hour surgery, I'm caffeine fueled and I still have two awaiting. I'm not in the mood for your jokes. They're not funny."

Junmyeon finally grasped the percolator, willingly ignoring his younger brother and opting instead to rummage for the coffee beans.

"I'm serious Hyung," Jongin sighed, unsure how to break the news to his older brother and for that Junmyeon is slightly guilty. "I'm getting married in two weeks."

(Damn the coffee beans, Junmyeon always can't seem to find the things he needs when he needed them most, why are mornings so cruel?) Junmyeon whirled on his feet, facing his younger brother. The coffee mug almost slipped from his grasp.

He screeched, "Two weeks?!" To which Jongin answered with an elaborate eye roll. "Yes, Junmyeon hyung two weeks. I already talked with mom and dad and they were a bit surprised but they're fine with it. I just wanted to tell you."

"Talked with mom and dad? So I assume everything was going so well and you didn't bother to tell me?"

Jongin ran a hand over his face, "Because I didn't want to have this confrontation with you so early in the preparations. I knew this was going to happen."

Well, he was right. Junmyeon does not even want to think the sudden betrayal that he felt with that.

Junmyeon appropriately stomped across the room and stops in front of his younger but taller brother —curse it Jongin clearly won the gene lottery —Junmyeon anchored both of his hands on the taller's broad shoulders and says, "Are you serious? But Jongin, two weeks? I- what's gonna happen to me?"

Junmyeon receives Jongin's leveled stare. In that moment he felt miniscule, as if the entire world is looking down on him branding him absolutely useless. Sure, Junmyeon was a gifted surgeon but it only compounded the fact that he can't really address his own fears and his personal issues because he has a handful of excuses to run away from them. Naturally, he breaks down when faced with his own pathetic nuances.

Jongin looked appropriately resigned. "Junmyeon hyung I'm twenty-six and I wanna settle down. I might be young to you, but both mine and Soojung's careers are stable. I'm going to inherit a big portion of mom and dad's business and that is enough to support my family for who the hell knows? A life time? I just really wanted your approval."

"You're moving out after marrying? I'm going to wither without you here." Junmyeon is not entirely sure of what he's saying. Maybe his desperation coupled with his fear was making him act like a deprived lunatic. "What's going to happen to me?"

And here they go again.

"Hyung, seriously." Jongin braced himself for the impending headache this is going to cause him. The thought of lecturing his older brother about how to act like an appropriate adult is crudely put, fucked up. Jongin does it anyway for both of their sanity.  "Junmyeon hyung you are thirty-three years old, you are one of South Korea's most talented brain doctor and you are absolutely not balding. You really need get out there. Jisoo's been ten years, a fucking decade you need to stop hoping that I'm going to be here forever because I'm not and I won't."

"But Jongin no one wants me."

"Oh my god _hyung_ , you’re the only one who thinks no one wants you. That’s because you're technically married to your profession. And I know how much you love being a doctor but this can't go on forever. You can't wish for two great things and have them all at once without having to balance or sacrifice the other. You've made your bed and you have to lay on it. Junmyeon hyung don't get me wrong, I love you, I really do but I also love Soojung, I love the idea of a family, of a life with her and I can't switch that out over you because I know you are capable and could hold out on your own. This is me balancing two great things at once and I am going to stand by my decision." Jongin stared at him with those compelling brown eyes and Junmyeon has always been weak for those brown eyes. "Hyung, one of these days you will need to stop running away from your fears."

The words managed to make Junmyeon smile, albeit sadly. In such a situation the only thing he could do is to accept it and be happy for his own brother, it's ironic. Junmyeon stared up, meeting Jongin's gaze that was so easy to read. Emotions swirled on his face like paint on canvas. Frustration, anger, sadness, desperation, hope above all. 

Junmyeon's younger brother used to be such a meek little thing. Junmyeon was about to turn seven when Jongin was born and for a few years everyone's attention was directed to the beautiful boy with tanned skin. Such exquisite perfection was — is still the family's treasure. Junmyeon didn't have any problems with it when they were growing up because he himself was magnetized by his own brother's charm. Especially when Jongin started ballet and morphed into such a graceful dancer.

And of course there was Junmyeon, intelligent but at the same time stupid and tragic, he was and still is an intelligent, beautiful mess. Who was he to deny Jongin of that small sliver of happiness he could give him? Junmyeon ended up smiling wryly.

"You've really grown up huh?"

"I have hyung, I've grown up a long time ago. You know what, maybe I should call Kyungsoo hyung, he needs to use some of his shrink powers on you."

Junmyeon laughed and turns away to hide the prickle of numbness that is starting to narcotize his whole being. "Stop bastardizing his profession. And I don't need a psych counselling Jongin, I'm a doctor remember."

"Yeah." Jongin drawled out, "And you obviously need help because you couldn't seem to diagnose your own problem. You need Kyungsoo, hyung." 

Junnmyeon picked up his neglected coffee mug, its contents still scalding but he drained it in half anyway. The heat and bitterness do not even bother him anymore. He exhaled, his breath tasted like coffee and it brought bleak comfort.

"Send my well wishes to Soojung, Jongin, and just, don't hurt her. The moment Soojung comes running to me with tears, I'll personally castrate you. Mark my words."

  
Jongin's relieved sigh was unmistakable.

"Thank you Junmyeon hyung." The younger remarked, wrapping his long arms around Junmyeon's rather petite frame (seriously, curse Jongin's blessed genes.) "And don't worry, I'm probably the one who's gonna run to you with tears in my eyes anyway."

A pause.

"Thank you hyung, really. Your blessing means a lot."

Junmyeon turned to return the hug and laughs, "For all I know you'd still get married with or without my permission. Plus god knows Soojung will do everything to take you away from me."

"I love you, and thank you."

"Jongin you're being mushy, and I hate mushy."

Jongin disentangled himself from his brother and laughs.

"Your psych counseling with Kyungsoo hyung is today, by the way."

"Fuck you Jongin."

//

The wedding took place in a vineyard somewhere in a secluded part of the city. The air was crisp, the sky was of the lightest tint of cerulean and everything was beautiful. Jongin actually shed tears during the ceremony, salty liquid silently trailing down his tanned cheeks at the sight of Soojung walking down the grassy aisle.

Of course they resemble the perfect picture of a couple madly in love with each other and as Junmyeon gazed at them, he suddenly realized that it has been four years. Jongin and Soojung were in a steady relationship for four years and even until now, nothing really changed about the way they look at each other, or the small intimate touches in between and their silent conversations which Junmyeon thought made them look like they were the only people in the universe. Everything is still the same.

At the back of his mind, Junmyeon wondered if he will ever have such a strong connection with someone like that.  

No.

He was pretty positive that he can't and the thought in itself was alarming.

//

Junmyeon stared at the warming shot of Vodka before him. The condensation dripped from the glass and onto the bar counter and the doctor idly traces the droplets with his forefinger. He doesn't drink, just stares at the alcohol with a subdued kind of fascination. It is night, 11:47 said his digital wristwatch and Junmyeon was somewhat thankful that Jongin scheduled his wedding on Junmyeon's pseudo day off. He's an on call physician and it doesn't really matter that he is one of the younger Senior Consultants of Neurosurgery, if a patient needed his help, his day off could screw itself.

Junmyeon, to understate it, was upset with himself for fleeing the reception after family photos have been taken and his brother and mother appropriately crying happy tears at his utterly crappy, sorry excuse of a wedding remark. He hated himself because he promised better for Jongin but in reality he couldn't even share his younger brother's joy.

The event had been stifling, his tuxedo was too tight and he wanted to get away.

So he did.

In reality Junmyeon also ran away from his fears, _again._ He'd always harbor this thought, like an itch he couldn't reach over to scratch that bothered him constantly, that one day, he'll need to have to do something about his fear of being alone and getting rejected. Jongin's decision of marrying didn't surprise him, he'd been expecting it. Inadvertently, Junmyeon was really going to be alone anyway, and that thought scares him, so he usually pretended it didn't exist.

Main reason why he loved being in the OR is because he felt the control and stability. Both characteristics were nonexistent with his life outside of it. When he stands there and opens someone's head (or spine) he doesn't get to think of anything else but that someone's life on his hands. He doesn't get to think about how alone he is, he doesn't get to think about the fact that he is already thirty-three years old, and he is so, so alone.

"Who the hell drinks vodka these days?"

Junmyeon snapped out from his thoughts just as the statement is followed by, "Vodka is technically water."

Junmyeon turned to the direction of the voice with a smart comeback already at the tip of his tongue. Because excuse me, who the fuck do you think you are. But when he turned his head to look at the condescending asshole who couldn't mind his own business, ready to verbally abuse, and remind him to respect his elders, he gets a rather nice surprise.

Junmyeon (also) thanked the gods that he has alcohol in his system and he could blame it on the alcohol that his face must have gone a few shades redder. Because what the hell, the condescending bastard was Adonis himself.

And halle-fucking-lujah, Adonis was indeed sex on legs.

The man had slightly long hair, bleached blonde. He had the top half of his locks tied, and pulled away from his gorgeous face. The studded silver cross he has on his right ear, glints under the dim lighting of the bar counter.

But the tattoos, the tattoos manage to acquire Junmyeon's attention. The stranger has them wrapped around his right forearm and with feathers of great detail permanently drawn on the side of his neck. Junmyeon gulps, they are sexy indeed but this guy looks like he could kill Junmyeon, blame all those stupid B-rated action flicks he’s watched all those years ago.

 He tried to swallow but his mouth had dried up along with the witty comeback eventually dying on his lips.

"Learn to respect your elders." Is what he pathetically says a few beats later (oh dear lord, please open the ground and let it swallow Junmyeon instead.) He turned away from the stranger who just laughs.

"You don't look old," stranger said and motioned for the bartender, "Anyway I finally have your attention. I've been trying to ask the gentleman why he's all alone and if he'd like some company but to be honest, vodka sucks. If you want to get drunk try something a bit stronger." So saying, he slides a glass of whiskey towards Junmyeon's direction and the doctor looks at it with contempt.

"Not so much of a hard drinker, are we?"

Junmyeon sneered at the stranger, his lips turned down into a frown. The nerve of this kid.  Either way, Junmyeon picked up the glass and downed it in one shaky move. The alcohol practically carved a burning path down his tongue and for some weird reason, Junmyeon actually loved it.

He puts the glass down and the ice cubes clink against the clear sides.

"On the rocks."

"Couldn't get any better than that." Says the stranger, drinking from his own glass. Junmyeon could not help but stare at the veins on his tattooed neck.  The man is beautiful.

"So care to tell me why you're all alone, looking like someone jilted you before the altar, or is it the other way around?"

Junmyeon laughed hard. The sound resounds so he manages to acquire curious looks thrown his way.

"That wasn't funny."

"Yeah, it wasn't." Junmyeon replied after he managed to compose himself. "It's just a bit…ironic, because I'm never standing in front of the altar. I ran away from my brother's wedding though. I didn't want to punch someone at such an important event."

"Why? You trying to avoid ex-girlfriends?"

"No ex-girlfriends. It was just uncomfortable, to say the least."

"Oh."

"Yeah, let's not talk about it."

Junmyeon summoned for a bartender and orders another glass, or two, —he's not really sure. He picked up glass after glass of whiskey and this time he welcomes the taste, revels at the exquisite burn of alcohol on his tongue down his throat.

"So how old are you?"

The stranger chuckled, a deep reverberation that got into Junmyeon's head.

"Why are you so adamant to know?"

"I'm not really sure."

"I'm twenty-six, do I call you Hyung?"   
  
Junmyeon's mind was starting to become so clouded that he missed the stranger's name. And really, why was everyone younger than him? Did his twenties pass by without him noticing?

"Damn, I'm old." Junmyeon picked up another glass and empties its contents down his throat. "So what do you do for a living? Modelling?" 

The stranger tipped back another drink and if Junmyeon wasn't so red in the face with the alcohol in his blood stream, he'd probably turn green with envy. The man didn't look the slightest affected. Junmyeon's alcohol addled mind mentally bemoaned the fact that he was such a light weight.

"I am a lot of things and nothing at all _hyung_."

Junmyeon rolled his eyes, " I am well aware that I'm going to be extremely shitfaced in a few hours stop being so vague, I'm not going to remember your dirty secrets." 

  
The stranger actually laughed at that, the nerve of this kid.

"What do you think I am?"

This kid was seriously getting on Junmyeon's nerves, but what the hell. 

  
"If this wasn't real life you'd be a member of some group doing illegal trade, or a really famous, overrated model."

The stranger chuckled, "Not really, I'm an occasional racer hyung, I drive fast cars and try not to get myself killed. Other than that I'm still trying to figure out what I'd do with my life. How about you?"   
  
Junmyeon's brain was really about to shut down on him and he takes a few minutes to process what the younger man had said. 

  
"I'm a doctor." He slurred, "A neurosurgeon"

"You pry people's head open?"

"To such an extent maybe and I love it because it's the only thing I'm not capable of screwing up."

"Those are big words hyung."

"Not really. My life's so screwed up right now, and I'm just being honest about things."

"I didn't say anything about you lying though."

Junmyeon looked at the handsome stranger and grinned drunkenly. "I'm just being sarcastic."

And they launch into some mundane conversation Junmyeon could barely remember. He also tells the stranger about how cats are better than dogs. To which the latter strongly refutes all the while Junmyeon picks up glass after glass of the strong alcohol.

So when the stranger asks, "Do you wanna get the hell outta here?" Junmyeon was so drunk he agreed.  

Junmyeon should have said no, hell it's barely an hour since he'd laid eyes on this man and his heart was already antagonizing his logical reasoning. Maybe he was really getting too desperate. This man could kill him and maybe throw his body somewhere where no one will recognize him and Kim Junmyeon will be nothing but a page in the history books. But something about the stranger was so utterly compelling to Junmyeon that he allowed himself to stand, grabbing his unfinished whiskey glass and empties it. His mind was clouded, vision covered in a thin alcohol induced haze and he felt a sudden calm rush through him followed by a sudden spike of excitement. He will regret this in the morning, yes he will but it's probably going to be worth it.  He followed the man, trying not to trip over his own legs —technically he was letting himself be dragged outside the dreary establishment but who gives a shit?

There's a flashy sports car parked along the side of the building and Junmyeon could vaguely admire the vehicle before he was coaxed inside. In his alcohol addled mind, the car's interior looked pretty perfect, the scent of leather coupled with a man's perfume was heady and he burrowed his face onto it, inhaling a scent so masculine, potent. It was going to his head, compounding the haze.

"Are you going to be sick?" The deep timbre of the stranger's bass voice resonates through Junmyeon mind.

The doctor shook his head. "No, I-I don't feel weird at all, if it's too much to ask but please don't kill me, It's probably stupid of me to be doing this but, I'm... I don't – I'm not sure w-why I'm doing this either."  
The stranger laughed and that is the last thing Junmyeon remembers when sleep takes over him.

 

When Junmyeon comes around again, the sky was still fairly dark, but the streets were otherwise harshly illuminated with artificial lighting. The city was clearly asleep and muted and nothing can be heard but a few victorious sounding cheers and the sound of splashing water. Junmyeon blearily sees a concrete bridge a few meters away from where he was situated and it is where the sounds were coming from.

_Oh god where am I?_

Junmyeon can't remember where he'd been and why his head was in slight pain. He could taste alcohol on his tongue and he is pretty sure he is going to be sick. The nausea hits him and there's bile reaching up his throat. Junmyeon desperately clutches at the car's side, grabbing the door handle and pushing it open before he technically spills his guts out on green grass.  When he's done heaving all the alcohol out of his system, he replaces his back on the leather material of the car seat and inhales. A sudden rush of memory comes to him at such an alarming pace that he suddenly begins to panic.   
  
_Fuck, where did that stranger take me?_

He exits the car (successfully avoiding his vomit) just to bump on a hard, noticeably wet chest.

"You sober?"

Junmyeon blinks up and in his slightly clouded mind someone screams that he shouldn't have been here.

"Where the hell's this?" Junmyeon demands hoping to sound angry but his voice came out scratchy and weak.

In the background someone cheers victoriously before the noticeable sound of splashing water erupts. Junmyeon peers behind the stranger's broad shoulder and sees a person ready to throw himself off of the bridge

Junmyeon screeches in alarm, "Oh shit! The guy's going to kill himself! Do something!"  

  
"Hyung relax," the stranger stares at him, clearly amused. Junmyeon did not know what to make of that. "They're just…having fun."

"Having fun, by jumping off of a bridge? You have got to be kidding me." He arches an indignant eyebrow. "You do know that falling fifteen feet above water will feel like falling on concrete. This is insanity."

Junmyeon was mad at himself and at this stranger. He was slightly intoxicated but his doctor's instinct suddenly turns on at its full capacity.

There are numerous times in his career that he had to be in the gates because of stupid contests, furiously competed upon by these adrenaline "junkies". Cycling races in broad Seoul traffic; that was three years ago and it was the day he could not count the number of head sutures he'd performed. A month ago some people thought it was cool to go rock climbing without the appropriate gear, ala Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. One of them fell from around twenty feet off the ground, falling on his back. The man's spine was almost crushed upon impact, paraplegia was on the prognosis.

Every crazy thing, name it and Junmyeon would have encountered it and it pisses him off beyond belief.

"Jesus," Junmyeon seethes, why am I here?"

The stranger laughs at him (seriously the nerve of this kid!)  "I was really gonna take you home but you passed out in my car.” The stranger explains scratching the back of his neck, "and I didn't wanna grope you for your wallet for some kind of identification."

Oh and would you look at that, they don't even bloody know each other.

_What the hell is wrong with me today?_

"That doesn't explain why I'm here, why you're here."

"I kind of passed through them as I was driving around and decided to join the fun."

"Join the fun?!"

"Yes, and since you're awake and slightly drunk it's gonna be even _more_ fun."

And thus, the stranger is then grabbing at Junmyeon's hand, dragging him through the bunch of people, sopping wet and exchanging laughs ( and are those burgers?) while some young men individually jump off of the bridge's ledge and into the clearly illuminated water. 

“W-wait!”

"Strip." The stranger says as he visibly ignores Junmyeon’s protests and the doctor balks at him as if he'd said something extremely scandalous.

"Excuse me?"

At Junmyeon's accusing tone, the stranger shyly lowers his head, brings a hand up to the back of his neck and rubs at it embarrassingly. Due to his own ignorance or excitement (Junmyeon isn't really sure) the stranger parts his lips to ameliorate the error of his statement, his face had gone just a bit redder and in that moment Junmyeon, despite his irritation, couldn't describe him as anything but cute.

"I mean, you don't wanna get your suit wet, it looks expensive."

"Are you seriously asking me to jump off of a bridge, you're kidding me right?"

The stranger raises his head and stares at Junmyeon directly, "I'm not. You need to try this, it's fun and spontaneity does people good. I promise."

Junmyeon wants to tell the stranger that whether Junmyeon lacked spontaneity in his life or not, it is not exactly other people's business. Sure the stranger did prove a point but what makes it invalid is the fact that he is a stranger. And Junmyeon didn't know why he has suddenly become so trusting.

You might want to ask him sometime, why? Junmyeon would answer that something about that handsome stranger was singly, utterly compelling. Junmyeon is pretty sure that, that is such a tricky character to have, especially if being used against helpless people like him. Anyway, Junmyeon finds himself stripping until he is left in his boxers. He will regret this when he is completely sobered up but right now, who cares?

Once upon a time, Junmyeon had decided to go with his instinctual party animal self and decided to screw reviewing for an important exam the next day (he can't remember which subject it was for) to go and party with his best friend, Baekhyun, who's the resident DJ and a fellow medical student. Of course Junmyeon had had the time of his life, the booze had been overflowing and he did a couple of stupid things himself and met Jisoo. Life had been great, despite the fact that he woke up like someone had switched on a jackhammer on his brain. To make matters worse, he also fucked up that exam with flying colors. Oh well, at least he had Jisoo, sure that had been great until ...things happened.

And now as Junmyeon stood on top of the bridge tightly clinging onto the stranger's almost feverish skin, he feels like he is a teenager again, a teenager who lived a teenage life he didn't really get to have.

Junmyeon looks down and he doesn't even want to think just how bad he is going to get himself injured,  it looks like a good fifteen to twenty feet down, ending on icy water.

"Please tell me why I'm doing this?" Junmyeon asks both the stranger and himself, because he is a doctor, a completely mature individual and he is here ridiculously going along with a man he does not even know the name of. Junmyeon's stagnant brain immediately powers up at that fact and he turns his head, but the stranger is already wrapping his arms tightly about Junmyeon's frame.

"On three, we jump and straighten your legs, it'll break the surface easier."

"But—"

"Trust me."

And Junmyeon does that, he does not know why, don't ask him. The doctor shivers and when the stranger drops at three he lets himself jump, adrenaline coursing high on his system and for a few seconds they're just there, free falling, and the rush of it felt exquisite to Junmyeon.

The fall does not bring the damage, Junmyeon had been expecting. Sure it felt like falling on concrete as expected but the water was warmed by the weather and as it enveloped his body, he does not really feel the usual panic. Just a calm, an almost intrusive, abnormal feeling. And then they are swimming up, breaking the water's surface for air. They just stay like that, the stranger keeping them both afloat. It's only then that Junmyeon realizes how hard he'd been clinging onto the stranger. He looks up, meeting beautiful eyes and lips curled in a half smile. Junmyeon's heart beats fast, as though perceiving albeit late that he just jumped off of a bridge. A thing he wouldn't have done even if he were twenty and young and partially out of his mind.

"That was amazing." Junmyeon manages to say in between his subconscious counting the droplets of water falling from the stranger's long eyelashes. Somehow at some point Junmyeon's heartbeat gradually settles into a relatively calm pace. There's laughter bubbling up from inside him and he lets it consume his being, he suddenly starts laughing because he never really felt this happy before, no matter the insane situation he'd found himself in.

"I did this once, somewhere in Vietnam. Skydiving in the Philippines, where you can see all those beautiful islands from a few thousand feet above also gives you the same kind of thrill."

Junmyeon is still staring at the stranger as they swim for the banks, "I've never attempted something as insane before. Even the Singapore flyer scared me so much."

When they reach the river bank the strange finally introduces himself, something Junmyeon had honestly forgotten.

"I'm Yifan by the way." He says.

"I'm Kim Junmyeon, thank you for that Yifan it was honestly something different."  

Finally a name for such a beautiful face.

"Wanna do it again?"

Screw it, Junmyeon nods.

//

Junmyeon wakes up on his living room couch, his skin feels sticky and his head is killing him. The first thing he realizes is that it's quiet, in fact too quiet. The kitchen is clean and so devoid of Jongin's presence that Junmyeon actually considers moving places. Maybe he'd stay in the hospital for a while because he is not used to this stifling silence and it only compounds the fact that he is so, so alone. Junmyeon rolls off the couch, he does not even groan when his back hits the carpeted floor with a muted thud. He's just there staring at the ceiling, trying to organize his thoughts.

He'd met a stranger last night, a handsome stranger who is seven years younger than he is. Junmyeon blinks.

One, two, three, four, five.

He actually thinks that last night was just an illusion. He fancies himself a creative thinker and maybe, just maybe he conjured everything up. Some type of weird coping mechanism for the sudden misplaced sadness and hidden bitterness he felt for his younger brother's decision of marrying the love of his life.

Junmyeon groans, feeling the headache worsen. He was thankful that he didn't get scheduled for the OR that morning.

The doctor, by sheer force of will, blindly gropes for his cellphone. He gives a bland "hooray" when he takes a hold of it, quickly tapping number one on speed dial.

"Baekhyun!" Junmyeon wails dramatically as soon as the call connects. His throat feels like he had drunk a glass of sand and it actually hurt. "Please come save me!"

 _"Don't tell me that this is one of your biennial, Baekhyun-im-dying-please-save-me breakdowns." The_ man on the other line sighs in resignation.

"Yes it is." Junmyeon answers dryly. "I need help lots and also Advil, some greasy breakfast and maybe a reality check."

_"You're a demanding bastard, do you know that? You're clearly hung over and you have work later. What is this? Such irresponsibility."_

"Shut up Byun Baekhyun, you still owe me for the date I got you with Dr. Park all those weeks ago."

_"Are you really going to hold that over me until the day I die?"_

"You bet. I am hanging up, please be here."   
Junmyeon just smiles as he ends the call, successfully cutting off his best friend’s indignant shouts of protest.

//

"God, you look royally awful."  Is what Byun Baekhyun first says, dumping a bunch of takeout on the coffee table. Junmyeon looks up at him. The neurosurgeon is still on a supine position on the carpeted floor, feeling as pathetic as ever.

"Well good morning to you too, Byun Baekhyun, knight in shining scrubs, savior of Kim Junmyeon's pathetic ass."

Baekhyun rolls his eyes at his friend and Junmyeon does nothing but smile a dopey, clearly hungover smile. He hands him a couple of pills and Junmyeon downs a few with a scalding cup of overpriced coffee, the other doctor oh-so-graciously laid on the table.

"Did I tell you that I actually really, intensely love you so much?" Junmyeon remarks as his head clears up a bit, the medicines acting as fast as he'd expected them to be.

"Sorry, Myeon but my ass is reserved for Park Chanyeol."

Junmyeon laughs and proceeds to grab a cheese and bacon croissant from the coffee table. "Too much info Baek."

"Anyway, where the hell did you run off to last night? Jongin was partially distracted."

Junmyeon could not help but scoff, "Partially distracted huh?"

"Well do you still expect him to look after you when it's his wedding day? Come on."

"You, still have a way with words Baekhyun." Said man shrugs, reaching for his own cup of exquisite, bitter coffee. "You did not tell me where you ran off to though, spill."

"You wouldn't believe me." Junmyeon begins to say, rattling off last night's events with utmost accuracy. After he's finished, both doctors exhaust their respective cups of coffee and Junmyeon is conscious enough to stand up.

"Wow," is what Baekhyun says after a long stagnant period of muteness. "Do you think you're going to meet him again? He sounds really hot by the way."

Junmyeon smiles as he ponders the question, to be honest he's content if Yifan is just a passing memory.

"He did tell me that the thrill I'd get from cliff diving somewhere in Vietnam will pale in comparison to what we did last night. But I don't really think I'm going to see him again though. Maybe I will see him on the operating table but honestly? Who knows?" 

  
And Junmyeon has to ignore the short ping of sadness at the possibility of never meeting Yifan again.

//

"Is it just me or this day is way too toxic than it should be. I'm seriously ready to die." Dr. Byun Baekhyun complains as he dumps his bloodied scrubs on the waste bin outside the operating room proper. The operation had failed and even through years of calling people's time of death, it still brings a jab to both doctor's conscience. They did their best, and it's not really their fault that God, whoever he is, wanted to claim back a life.

Beside him, Junmyeon lets out a long suffering sigh. He'd been stuck in the hospital for approximately seventy-two hours and had been constantly in and out of the operating room. His last surgery had been an intricate one, some tumor missed by the MRI and he had to pry open his patient's spine relying on pure instinct and luck to find it. Seven years in surgery and he still feels like an intern at times.

"I could say the same." Junmyeon replies, furiously rubbing his hands with pungent disinfectant. "And we're expected at the _Gates_ tomorrow, god I hate being in the Gates."

Meanwhile Baekhyun smiles almost creepily at Junmyeon at the possibility of them being needed in the Emergency Department. "I don't mind being in the Gates as long as I can stare at Chanyeol's ass"

Junmyeon turns to his best friend to give him a condescending look. "You are shameless, Byun Baekhyun, duty comes first before ogling anyone's ass remember?"

"Of course,” Baekhyun replies in a deadpan voice, “Why do you always make it sound like I’m not a doctor?"

"Yes, because when it comes to Park Chanyeol you're secretly a shameless little, what do you call them again, fangirl?"

Baekhyun turns and directs his best withering glare at his best friend. "You are the worst."

Junmyeon switches off the tap and silence fills the wash area once again. "No I am not the worst, anyway Kyungsoo's told me about seeing a demo race tonight. They're going with the new Psych interns, do you want to go? Maybe you could help me bear Kyungsoo's incessant fascination. His mouth just does not shut up about this Kris Wu dude, it's driving me crazy."

Baekhyun finishes rinsing his hands and answers, "Oh, the guy who's part of the team who won the last Lé Man's cup. So Kyungsoo's interest is in racing now? Last month he was so into Chinese calligraphy. Maybe we should switch to Psych they seem to have it easy down there."

Junmyeon shrugs, all the while whisking the water droplets off of his hands. "So what, do you want to join? They're meeting in the lobby later and I was thinking I should go. I need a break."

"Thanks, but I'll skip. I'm visiting mom and dad, but do tell Sunghwa and Hyuk hi for me if they're there.

"Sure."

Baekhyun hums in agreement as they both exit the room.

//

"Kyungsoo stop screeching!"

Hyuk braces Kyungsoo down successfully stopping the psychiatrist from jumping down the seats and onto the race track.

"Black Maserati is Kris Wu!" Kyungsoo waves excitedly, consequently screeching as said car accelerates and passes first for the first four of fifteen laps. Kyungsoo shouts even louder and Kim Minseok, the oldest resident in Psychiatry, had the decency to look ashamed for his colleague.

"Sorry, he's like this when he's excited."  Minseok says and it does not really do anything to lessen Kyungsoo's overly ecstatic cries of joy.

And just as Black Maserati 00 finishes first for the rest of the fifteen laps, air horns go off signaling that the demo race is over. Kyungsoo's glee is apparent as he jumps up and down like an actual child and no one could stop him from rushing down the seats and crowding with other fans near the barricades. Junmyeon sighs and follows his excited friend and doctor. He couldn't see the drivers since most of the fans have taken the liberty to crowd near the railings but it soon clears and Junmyeon could now land his sight on a familiar patch of long blonde hair, with the top half tied. He couldn’t stop the sudden acceleration of his heartbeat. Junmyeon finds himself running and pushing against the crowd and finally, finally.... Yifan. Black Maserati 00 is Yifan the _stranger._

_"I'm a racer hyung, I drive fast cars and try not to get myself killed."_

Oh.

Junmyeon just stares for a while. His thoughts suddenly going haywire. It's been more than two months since the night of Jongin's wedding. In those two months after that accidental meeting, Junmyeon did not really get to see Yifan again. Sure at times, he would let himself think of it, smile at the memories but mostly he has it pushed at the back of his mind, shelved in one of those mental filing cabinets that he opens when he needs some cheering up.

Junmyeon thought that he would not react as strongly again at the sight of the taller man.

He was wrong.

The crowd finally disperses and Junmyeon is reeled away from his thoughts when Kyungsoo's shrill voice comes up. His excitement is palpable as he brandishes his shirt with Kris Wu's signature messily scrawled on its surface.

Junmyeon sees the new Psych resident, Kwon Hyuk, eye him curiously. He must have noticed Junmyeon's sudden mood shift because he asks, "Kim Sunbaenim, are you alright?"

"Yeah." Junmyeon answer tiredly. "You guys go ahead, I'll stick around for a bit."

"Okay Sunbae, please have a great night."

Junmyeon nods. "You too, be safe."

//

The heat brought about by the weather seemed appropriate for Junmyeon's current state of distress. He is somewhat glad that there is something else that could distract his thoughts.

"Fancy seeing you here _hyung._ "

That voice. The bass timbre of it manages to jolt Junmyeon out of his reverie. He looks down from where he is seated and sees Yifan's smiling face peering up at him. Yifan grabs the railing separating the race tracks from the bleachers and heaves himself up, successfully pulling his long body to the other side of the railing. Junmyeon feels mildly unnerved by the ease of the action.

"I was half thinking that you were kidding about being a racer."

Yifan situates himself beside the doctor and chuckles. "What made you think that I was not telling the truth?"

"I'm not really sure Yifan, but maybe because I am still under the impression that I managed to acquire some good-looking model's attention."

Junmyeon sneaks a glance at the smiling man. Yifan's hair is just a bit longer now, skirting the top of his shoulders. He still has most of it pulled away from his gorgeous face and Junmyeon, despite his intense urge to just stare, had the decency to look away.

"Was that meant to be a compliment?"

"You could say that, but it's just a simple fact I mean you do stare at yourself in the mirror right?"

"Yeah, I get it hyung, stop teasing."

Junmyeon laughs, "My friend's a big fan of yours. You probably noticed the guy. Short, too ecstatic and a lot louder than your regular racing crowd."

"Hard to miss an enthusiastic fan. He a doctor too?"

Junmyeon nods, "He's a psychiatrist, brilliant man but dumb at the same time. I guess we all are."

Yifan chuckles, "I'm not brilliant myself but I'm pretty good at being reckless, stupid but fun. I think I know what you mean."

Junmyeon chuckles, turning his head to glance at the man beside him. The doctor's eyes drift downwards, tracing the tattoos on Yifan's forearm. He can't describe the surging want to touch the intricately drawn ink under Yifan's skin. Yifan must have noticed him staring because he asks, "Do they bother you?"

Junmyeon looks up and meets Yifan's steady gaze, his eyes displaying a hint of open curiosity and under the bright artificial lighting around the race track, Junmyeon thinks that Yifan is really gorgeous.

Junmyeon shakes his head, "No, they're actually beautiful."

Yifan's expression shifts into that of such pleased surprise and Junmyeon loves the openness of his stare. Yifan probably does not know that he is so easy to read, Junmyeon could guess his feelings just by that simple tilt of his lips, that tiny glint in his eyes.

"I got my forearm done around five years ago? It was a few days after my twenty-first birthday, my first official year in the scene. I also got into this accident. Pretty bad I think, because all the doctors told me that I'd been lucky that my forearm didn't need to be cut off. I had this ugly scar running down my arm so I covered it up."

"Oh," Junmyeon says, secretly pleased that Yifan was starting to tell him tidbits of his life. "So it's a reminder of things. Did not expect you to be that kind of person."

"Me too. So how about you? Why'd you become a doctor?"

"I wish I could tell you that I wanted to become a doctor because I wanted to save the world." Junmyeon smiles, recalling a distant memory. "But no, nothing like that, my brother had the talent I didn't have but I was —sure as hell —an intelligent little thing.  Back then I were young and reckless and I thought, hey I want to become a doctor and so I did. The experience was hard you know, tougher than I expected but all those years buried in books were humbling to say the least, gratifying but humbling."

Junmyeon turns to survey Yifan, the latter's expression is so damn open and something about those bright eyes is doing things to Junmyeon's heart, Junmyeon had to look away.

"So what's your favorite color?" Junmyeon asks before Yifan could respond. He looks up, wanting to find obscure stars that vanished due to the intense artificial lighting basking the whole racetrack a bright white. He did not want to ask such an anticlimactic question but the conversation was getting too personal for his own liking.

The same intrusive calm sweeps over Junmyeon and he really, really needs to know why he feels such ease with the younger man. The both of them are worlds apart in every sense and the fact is almost jarring to Junmyeon, more jarring than the almost trust he bestowed upon Yifan.

"Mine's green." Yifan tells him, without really thinking too much about it. "Though I tell people during interviews that it's black or other manly colors because they sound not weird...at all."

"What's so weird about green? Green is my favorite too, at least it's better than the monstrosity that is magenta or …purple."

“Touché.”

Well maybe they aren't so different after all, Junmyeon decides later on when Yifan tells him that he likes lettuce and tomatoes on his burger, and he likes whiskey, hates wine, and adores coffee. They fill the intrusive silence of the deserted racetrack with petty questions and poignant laughter. And Junmyeon has never felt this great in a really long while.

They continue until Junmyeon's stomach grumbles and he has to stand up to shake the sudden ache in his legs and the spinning in his head. Before they know it, it is 1:45; the air is toasty, despite the early hours post-midnight.

Junmyeon cocks his head to the side with a satisfying crunch.

"I'm hungry." 

Yifan looks at him with a slight laugh on his lips and Junmyeon stares back with a sheepish smile.

"Greasy burgers?"

"Sure."

//

They end up driving out of the racetrack in Yifan's vehicle. A few blocks away from the place sits a 24 hour fast-food joint and the place is fairly empty save for a group of students with dark eye bags. Junmyeon smiles at the sight of the familiar thick medical books between them.

Junmyeon walks to the counter and the male cashier, Sehun says the nametag, looks at him with boredom written all over his face. Junmyeon just shrugs, ignores the disrespect and proceeds to order a classic cheeseburger with tomatoes and extra lettuce.

"Sehun seriously, when will you learn to treat customers right?"

Sehun peers behind Junmyeon and a smile lights his tired face at the sight of Yifan.

"Yifan hyung!"

"Get the man his order Sehun, and I'll get the usual, also the resting bitch face needs to go."

The teenager rolls his eyes, "You're the worst hyung."

"You love me anyway."

Junmyeon watches the exchange with an amused smile. Yifan hands Sehun his card and before Junmyeon could protest, Yifan says, "My treat."

Minutes later the lanky cashier hands them their order on a tray and Yifan extends a hand on the teenager's snapback clad head. "Thanks Sehun."

Junmyeon smiles at the patronizing gesture and then stares down at the large portion of food on the tray, for a regular sized cheeseburger they sure look huge, Junmyeon could feel ten pounds on him just by looking at it.

The both of them proceed to a vacated table, a meter or two away from the students who are currently trapped in a heated debate without any care about the prolific noise they are producing.

Junmyeon takes a huge bite out of his cheeseburger, and vaguely gestures at the students behind Yifan, "Reminds me of the good old days."

Yifan looks behind him, "Nothing about them looks good, that one guy looks like he is gonna drop dead anytime soon."

"Must be finals, and that's how you'll normally look like if you had to cram a semester's worth of information in one review session. That's normal, been there done that."

"Tough life."

"Sure was."

"I never really bothered about university, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be them, wonder what it feels like to eat greasy burgers at 2AM, contemplating terrible life decisions."

"Frustrating to say the least, and sometimes the paranoia is going to be your biggest enemy." Junmyeon says, "But it's never too late to be them you know, if you want to try something else that requires a diploma why the hell not?"   
  
Yifan laughs, "I hope I come to that decision before I reach my thirties hyung. I don't wanna attend college parties just for people asking me if I already have a kid."

Junmyeon throws a piece of fry at the man in front of him, laughing, "Screw you Yifan."  
//

In between the meal and the students noisily discussing behind them, Junmyeon finds himself getting incredibly comfortable with the situation.

He didn’t’ exactly expect to find a great conversationalist in Yifan's persona. Junmyeon is pleasantly surprised that despite Yifan's bushy eyebrows and intimidating stare, coupled with his imposing aura, he’s actually just an optimistic child in a man's body. 

And Junmyeon needs to get away because this is dangerous, this attraction is not healthy for him. 

"When did you start racing?" Junmyeon asks him later on, they are out in the crispness of 3 am, warm beer cradled in their hands. Yifan does not answer in immediate.

"I was sixteen, I guess. Dad gave me his old, rickety Challenger which had been in our garage for god knows how long. Well it honestly looked like a Hollywood contraband during the first few weeks I tinkered around with it. I then got it fixed by some miracle, switched around the parts and made it into a beat-up vehicle with a good enough engine to race, the rest is history." 

As Yifan talks, Junmyeon's eyes —as if they were out of his control —gravitate towards Yifan's neck. Junmyeon studies the nicely drawn feather on the man's skin, wanting to trace the ink under his fingertips.

"How about your parents?"

"They protested a lot. Told me I'd be no one if I continue neglecting school and all that stuff but they came around eventually. My dad took it easier because of his love affair with cars but mom was a different story all together. Well, different until I turned nineteen. She did not stop nagging but she was supportive."

"Your parents sound like they're very amazing people."

Yifan smiles, "Yeah they were."

There's an expression on Yifan's face, one that Junmyeon, unlike Yifan's other expressions, can't seem to read. Yifan looked like he is happy but the sad drop of his eyes tainted the clarity of the expression. Junmyeon is mildly curious.

They bask in silence after that and suddenly, Yifan drops his head to Junmyeon's stretched thighs. The man covers his eyes with a tattooed forearm.

"I'm tired."

Junmyeon chuckles quietly, pulling off the tie that gathered Yifan's hair. He cards his fingers through the younger's locks as Yifan mumbles appreciative noises under his breath.

"I like you _hyung._ "

Junmyeon hums his assent.

Junmyeon knows it's too early to get comfortable, too early to feel like he's known Yifan for years. The man is really different, he is chaos to Junmyeon's too structured life, chaos to Junmyeon's thoughts and chaos to Junmyeon's heart.

Junmyeon does not know when he started welcoming the chaos.

"This is beautiful," Junmyeon finger runs through the ink on Yifan's forearm, now that he could clearly see it, he could finally make out the details of the tattoo, an eagle in flight at the center of an intricately drawn sun. The number is fascinating. Junmyeon twists the man's forearm and through the other side, an ornate Mandala is drawn with what seems to be, Sanskrit characters, beneath it.

"Live and let live." Yifan answers the silent question, "kinda cliché but it's my mantra."

"I always wanted one."  Junmyeon says, still idly tracing the deeply set ink. "Wasn't drunk enough to actually get it done."

"You're a doctor hyung, shouldn't you be prim and proper and generally…pristine looking?"

"Says the person who coerced me to jump off of a bridge the first time we met." Junmyeon shifts as Yifan heaves himself up.

"I could tell you that it honestly slipped my mind when I made you jump off that bridge." Yifan retorts with a small laugh. He gathers up his hair and reties it to which Junmyeon looks on with distaste.

"You know what, I'd like to have one now."

"What exactly do you want to have?"

"Feathers," Junmyeon answers before he actually starts thinking about it. "I want feathers on top of my shoulder blades."

Yifan stares at the doctor quizzically, his eyes squinting in confusion, Junmyeon wants to laugh.

"I'm sorry hyung, I don't follow."

"I want to get a tattoo done, feathers on my shoulder blades." 

Yifan looks at Junmyeon as if the latter had gained an extra head within that time span. Junmyeon reciprocates this with a heartfelt laugh on his own, because if you'd ask him why, he won't be able to answer either, as usual.

He just wanted it.

"Okay." Yifan dawdles the word, lets it hang on his tongue for a few awkward seconds before a confused smile breaks out on his beautiful face. "You know, I know the right person, he'll agree doing yours in immediate."

Junmyeon purses his lips, "Even though it's like a quarter before four am?"

"Yes. Is that unusual?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Do I look like I am?"

Junmyeon heaves himself from the ground, all the while picking grass and mud off of his denim jeans. "Unbelievable."

Beside him, Yifan chuckles, the rest of his untied hair splays all over his face so he rakes it back with equally beautiful, long, and slender fingers.

Junmyeon's mouth goes dry. Goddamn.

"Luhan —he's my best friend —got part of my side and back done while he was half asleep. He said he couldn't let the sudden image evade him, so there I was lying belly down while he punctured ink all over me, but I assure you he's the best."

Junmyeon doesn't understand most of the statement, because his mind had suddenly lagged. "You have more? Is your back covered?"

"Not really, it's not to that extent that mother's would cover their children's eyes at the sight of me, but you get the gist of it." 

  
"Can I see?"

There's somewhat an uncomfortable pause and Junmyeon, for the first time in his thirty-three years of existence, wanted to dig his own grave out of sheer mortification. After a few minutes of awkward eye contact, Junmyeon quickly manages to shift his statement into something that is not as shamefully deplorable.

"Well, if it's fine with you of course."

Yifan gives him a subdued teasing look before he subtly lifts one side of his shirt, revealing healthily sculpted muscles. There's a beautiful half wing inked on one side of Yifan's back, up his shoulder blade with small numbers below it. The words carte blanche was written in small letters on the man's left hip. Junmyeon could not help himself as he raises a hand and brushes Yifan's warm skin, the touch feeling like electricity up his arm. It was good, but somehow the touch still felt wrong, the two of them together should not have happened but Junmyeon is unable to stop himself and he desperately wishes that this vague relationship , whatever the hell you call it, could stop but God help him because he could not.

Junmyeon could feel Yifan shudder as he traces the inked letters and by some twisted reason, the doctor found it oddly encouraging.

"I had been in France —two…three years ago —as one of the backup drivers for an endurance race but I was too afraid to join the main drivers for the actual competition but then I had this French fellow who constantly told me carte blanche, carte blanche. I hadn't had a single clue to what it meant until I finally caved in to my backer's requests. It was too last minute but I could say it was worth it."

"What does it mean, though?"

"Almost like spontaneity."

Junmyeon's fingers skirt down, "What do these numbers mean?"

Yifan pulls his shirt down, exhaling unsteadily, "It's the day my parents died."

//

"It's almost ironic how I'm a glorified driver but my parents died in a car crash."

The burial grounds looked extremely desolate, despite the fact that it was nearly dawn. Junmyeon stares at the burial mounds not knowing what to say. He'd stared at his own grandmother's burial ground not too long ago and he'd realized that death always made him speechless.

It was not the sadness that made him lose his words. There was just something too intricate to explain about the void that death brings. A person would always know that he'd learn to cope but that void, Junmyeon knew, will never be filled again. It will stay there, long until a person finds himself on his own burial mound, six feet under the ground. Junmyeon knew the feeling is not sadness.

It was more like...incompleteness.

"Have you ever lost someone so important, hyung?"

Junmyeon takes a while to ponder his answer. To be honest, he could not say that he held such strong affections for his deceased grandmother.

She was the only one who reacted a bit too violently when Junmyeon admitted that he could not bring himself to like women. He was nineteen, and even until he hit his thirtieth birthday the same year his grandmother passed, Junmyeon knew that she still resented him.

"I lost my grandmother not too long ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I guess death doesn't require a person to be sorry. It's a part of life, and life always happens. It's always there to control us." Junmyeon ceases staring at the burial mounds and raises his gaze toward the horizon. The morning is slowly chasing the vestiges of night's drab gray as various tints of orange fill the sky.  "But I do feel sorry for you, Yifan, I feel sorry for the ones who are left behind not for the people who passed away.”

Junmyeon belatedly thinks that his words must have sounded too cynical,  borderline insensitive.

"They were good people. The best parents, it was unfair that they had to be taken so early. I feel like, I'm not doing enough to honor their memory." 

"Your existence is enough Yifan, because you are their memory. I always think that the dead doesn't want us to dwell in the past, instead we ought to live in the present, we exist and continue to do the things that made them happy, things that made them proud."

"I guess you're right."

Junmyeon smirks and jokingly says, "I'm always right." successfully earning himself a small smile from Yifan.

They bid their respects and leave the cemetery as the birds signal the start of a new day.

//

From: Wu Yifan  
To: Junmyeon hyung

"Hi….hyung?"

Sent, 2:45 A.M

 

To: unknown number  
From: Kim Junmyeon

"Who is this?"

Sent, 3:40 A.M

 

From: Wu Yifan   
To: Junmyeon hyung

"Junmyeon hyung, its Yifan. I hope you dont mind that I got your number from my doctor. He says youve mentioned me and that hes a great friend of yours. "

Sent, 3:42 A.M

 

To: Yifan-ssi   
From: Kim Junmyeon

"Let me guess, Byun Baekhyun from trauma?"

Sent, 3:43 A.M

 

From: Wu Yifan   
To: Junmyeon hyung

"Uh…yeah? Also, i might have come to your workplace because we forgot to exchange numbers ㅎㅅㅎ funny enough, my team's doctor happened to know you."

Sent, 3:44 A.M

 

"Baekhyun you shit!" Junmyeon shouts from across their doctor's lounge. Said doctor, suddenly emerges from the washroom, towel still slung around his damp neck.

"What did I do this time?"

"No one told you to disclose doctor's information to a patient. I'm going to kill you!"

"But, it's Kris Wu..."

Junmyeon, with an exasperated sigh, scrambles over to his friend, hands posed on a choke hold.

"What do you guys mean Kris Wu?"

"Nothing Doctor Do!"

//

"You look awfully happy, and at three in the morning. Should I call someone, is the world ending?"

"Stop being a brat Baekhyun."

"Yep," Baekhyun remarks sarcastically as he continues to ogle his best friend who is busy on his phone. In their six years in the OR Byun Baekhyun has never seen Junmyeon look just a bit above okay. He can't say the same thing now though.

"So what's the deal with you and this Kris Wu dude?"

The neurosurgeon takes a few seconds to answer. He puts away his phone and smiles contentedly, "We're friends."

Baekhyun knows that smile, that expression rarely seen on Junmyeon's countenance. The smile sparks a twinge of disappointment simmering in Baekhyun's gut.

"I'm happy that you look happy Junmyeon."

And yeah he is happy, but a human being is a jealous creature and Baekhyun definitely wanted to feel just a bit of that happiness. 

The surgeon sighs, stepping out of the lounge, crossing the hall. He looks up to see their emergency department chief, busy rattling off angry sounding words to his mobile phone. Baekhyun thinks that the chief is too busy to notice him so he averts his gaze and proceeds walking. Just as he turns for the main lobby, emergency chief, Park Chanyeol puts down his phone and sighs despondently.

"You going home Doctor Byun?"

Baekhyun nods and prays to all the gods he knows that he doesn't stutter in front of the man he'd been harboring affections for quite an unhealthy amount of time now. "Yes, Chief Park."

The chief sighs yet again before turning his head to face Baekhyun, the latter cannot stop himself from meeting the elder's tired eyes.

"Care to grab a drink with me?"

Baekhyun nods and says his calm okay while his insides gear up to become a raging tempest. "Okay."

They visit the usual pub a few blocks from the hospital where nurses and other medical staff crash for some cheap alcohol and a needed toxin release. Baekhyun remains calmly seated opposite the older doctor and he could actually feel waves of anger rolling off of Chanyeol's frame. Baekhyun wonders why.

They talk about pretty mundane things for a while, Chanyeol's eyes are unfocused and Baekhyun just wants to snap his fingers on the older man's face to get it over with. "But really Chief, I know we're not here to talk about the details of Junmyeon's current fling. So do you wanna tell me anything?" 

Chanyeol stares at his bottle of beer and remarks, "My wife asked for a divorce today." without so much a difference in his apathetic tone.

If you're wondering, Park Chanyeol is straighter than a ruler. Junmyeon had been grossly exaggerating when he said he won Baekhyun a date with the older doctor when it was just actually for a cup of coffee and some mundane small talk. Park Chanyeol is still infinitely oblivious to Baekhyun's attraction and he is not even sure if Chanyeol could be slightly bisexual to accommodate his unnecessary feelings.

"Funny how she did not quite shut up about how she'll support me until the end, and I need not worry about 'us'  because she understands just how difficult things could get, then here we are seven years into this hell of a marriage and she tells me it's over, because we can't make things work anymore. How the actual fuck does she manages to just tell me that it's over?  I've given her quite enough time to think about it all those years ago before she asked for marriage, I don't understand why she expects me to just sign the fucking papers when I've shared quite a lot of my _everything_ with her. Is that even possible, cutting a person out of your life like they were nothing?"

Baekhyun does not answer because he can't. He feels just the slightest pang of pain and he is not sure whether he wants to kiss or punch Park Chanyeol. Like, hell does Baekhyun need to put a fucking sign on his forehead that says: 'hey, I'm quite in love with you please stop.' Plus marriages are not in line with Baekhyun's expertise. His last relationship flunked spectacularly, a sure sign that he should not be advising an older man about things he is completely clueless about.

"I'm sorry about your marriage Chief Park. But I'm not sure what to say, because as you can see I don't even know how a basic relationship works. But hey, it's your decision to make and if anything it will probably make life a bit easier. What's the use of keeping yourself chained to one person when the both of you don't think of each other in that way anymore. Don't think of this negatively but you're acting as if your marriage is a matter of pride, Chief Park. Like you're losing a whole chunk of yourself because you failed to make it work. But it's not like that, people just don't work sometimes and it's life." Baekhyun grabs his mug of beer and takes a small sip, mentally giving himself a small pep talk. 

"But I'm just assuming that your feelings for her are non-existent anymore though. But by all means, do what makes you sleep at night."

Chanyeol surprises Baekhyun by laughing. The timbre of his deep bass voice goes straight to Baekhyun's already cloudy head.

"You're really brutally honest. Your reputation precedes you." The chief sips the last dregs of his beer and places the mug back on the table.

"Does my reputation hint at me being a cynical, emotionless bastard? I'm not though; I'm just a practical realist."

" _Practical realist_ , I like the sound of that. Anyway, I'm sorry for telling you all these unnecessary things."

"Don't be. My friends use me as an emotional punching bag for years now, this is really nothing."  And shit, I happen to harbor feelings for you too but you're so dense.

Chanyeol laughs again and Baekhyun, for the life of him, unwittingly chuckles too.

"I think this is enough petty chitchat for now. As a token of my gratitude, I will drive you home."

Baekhyun stands up and grabs his coat from the backrest of his seat, "Don't bother Chief Park, I can grab a cab."

"No," Chanyeol remarks, staring at Baekhyun with those expressive eyes, "I insist."

"Okay." 

 

The drive home is unusually comfortable. The silence inside the car wafts above them like a comforting blanket and Baekhyun could feel the tendrils of glorious sleep wrap around his consciousness. Just as he could close his eyes, his looming apartment building comes into view. Baekhyun sighs as the car stills and completely stops, "Thank you Chief Park." Baekhyun says as he snaps off the restricting seatbelt.

"After this, you might as well call me Chanyeol when we're not inside the hospital. We're friends right?"

Friends? Baekhyun wants to laugh and sob himself to pieces. Friends, fuck.

Baekhyun faces the ER chief and smiles,”Okay, Chanyeol." The name rolls off his tongue as if it's practiced. Baekhyun hopes Chanyeol does not notice. 

"I'm signing the papers tomorrow."

"What?"

"Maybe you're right; it's just a matter of pride. I'm signing the divorce papers tomorrow."

"Whatever makes you sleep at night."

//

Junmyeon steps inside the doctor's lounge at approximately 4:46 in the morning, a terribly ungodly hour for normal people. But for doctors, and maybe college students, 4 A.M is a reprieve, a time to breathe or finally sleep. In Junmyeon's case, it is a halt to the unending horrors of the hospital, well as what Junmyeon likes to call his work schedule.

He eyes his phone, unbothered, on one of the numerous tables in the lounge. When he switches the device on, consequent rings reverberate throughout the otherwise empty silence. A few of the messages were from Jongin, boasting as usual, of how happy his marriage life is but still managing to ask about Junmyeon's current condition. There's a couple from his friends asking to hangout and the usual "how are you" message from his mother.

Junmyeon either sighs or rolls his eyes at the messages.

From: Wu Yifan  
To: Junmyeon hyung

"Hi hyung."

Sent, 4:47 A.M

Junmyeon smiles and taps on the message to write his reply.

 

To: Yifan-ssi   
From: Kim Junmyeon

"Why are you awake?"

Sent, 4:50 A.M

 

The two of them have been exchanging quite a handful of mundane text messages for the last couple of weeks. They have not seen each other since that eventful Wednesday night because Junmyeon is constantly unavailable and when the rare times that he is free, Yifan is off to some country too far for Junmyeon. Naturally they fall into the wonders of text messaging. It's become a habit of Junmyeon to check his phone when he's in the lounge and Baekhyun is forever teasing him about it.

He can't deny that the simple messages make him smile though, and that is scary enough as it is. His phone rings again, it's a call this time and Junmyeon doesn't think too much when he answers. The familiar   
bass voice of the man he's starting to get horribly attached to, filters through his ear and it successfully roots him to the ground.

_"Junmyeon hyung."_

Junmyeon chuckles, "It's like five A.M, why are you awake?"

_"I can't sleep. The crew's in a resort right now but it's still too hot."_

"Where are you exactly?"

_"Thailand, you would've loved this place. It's like paradise sans the fact that it's too fucking hot right now."_

The line is void of human voices for a while; Junmyeon could hear faint sounds of waves crashing onto shore.

_"The heat reminds me of the night I met a sad looking man who used to hate whiskey."_

Junmyeon scoffs as he sits down, closing his eyes against the harsh lighting of the room, "What makes you think, I drink whiskey now."

_"A wild guess?"_

"You make it sound like I'm an alcoholic.”

Junmyeon rolls his eyes while Yifan laughs in the background.

"Why'd you call?"

_"Because I wanted to hear your voice."_

The sound of Yifan's voice washes over Junmyeon like the waves he's faintly hearing. It was calming but Junmyeon could not really muster a reply.

A while later, Yifan asks. _"Do you have free time this week…hyung."_

Junmyeon does not want to address the sudden racing of his heart because he is a thirty-three year old man, someone a tad too old to act like a teenager.

"I don't have a day off but I get off 7 on Friday night."

_"Great, I leave Thailand tomorrow."_

And a pause, Junmyeon technically feels excitement down to his toes and he mentally berates himself for that, so much for not reacting like a teenager. 

_"Have dinner with me… please?"_

Yifan sounded conflicted as if he weren't so sure how to break the offer to Junmyeon without sounding so small and unsure.

He's so fucking adorable. Junmyeon's mind supplies for himself.

"Okay."

_"Okay?"_

The doctor laughs as he imagines the younger's disbelief.  "Yes, Yifan I'll have dinner with you. Pick me up at SNU Hospital on Friday."

 _"Sure,"_ Yifan's laughter is alight with so much positivity that Junmyeon could actually feel it radiating from the phone, the doctor finds himself smiling too. "I mean, y-yeah okay hyung, I'll be there."

"See you then, but for now I need to hang up. Sleep tight Yifan."

_"Goodnight Junmyeon…I miss you."_

Junmyeon swipes a thumb over the 'end call' option just as the equally sincere 'I miss you too' slips past his lips. It's almost pathetic that after two meetings he's already almost too attached to the younger man. The idea of Yifan brings so much happiness to Junmyeon that it causes his paranoia to act up in defiance.

He does not understand why he's so afraid of this chance, of the possibility that after ten long years he's ready to commit to someone again. It's as if the ghost of his last relationship, which failed oh-so-spectacularly, is reforming. The tendrils of its ugly manifestation silently seeping into his mind and planting little seeds of doubt: that like everyone else, Junmyeon will be left behind. They will always want things he could not give, things he could not sacrifice for his own happiness because he cannot balance his profession with his personal life.  Just as suddenly Junmyeon's elation disappears like sand in an hour glass.

  
The neurosurgeon lets out a deplorable sigh just as the door to the lounge opens revealing a disheveled looking Baekhyun, the latter stares at Junmyeon's face, down to the hand that clutched a mobile phone.

"Who called?" Baekhyun's eyes are inquisitive and Junmyeon wants so badly to tell him: _my next fucking mistake._ He tells the truth instead, plainly stating the words Do Kyungsoo will kill for. "It seems like I got myself a date night with Kris Wu."  
  
Baekhyun eyes him up and down before remarking in a deadpan voice, "Why do you look like someone shoved a rod up your ass then?"

The words do not fail to elicit a laugh from Junmyeon and sometimes he is really thankful that despite everyone else turned and never looked back, Baekhyun will always be there. A permanent rock he could hold on to, someone that'll always ground him.

"Maybe I should just marry you." Junmyeon says and Baekhyun walks to him, sloppily leaves a wet kiss on his cheek and says, "Sorry sweetheart but—"

"Your ass is reserved for Park Chanyeol. Yeah, yeah I know."

"Good. So no, I'm not marrying you."

"Ouch," Junmyeon slaps a palm over his chest, above his heart, for show. "You're hurting me sweetheart, what does Park Chanyeol have that I don't?"

Baekhyun stills, his carefree expression suddenly morphing to something that is unreadable. Junmyeon has never seen this one before. The expression is so open but so vague at the same time Junmyeon could not even begin to guess what it meant.

Baekhyun says,”Nothing, he's just Chanyeol."

That manages to cease the further teasing Junmyeon had readied on his tongue. He stares at his friend, "You love him don't you. You get so serious and all when it comes to him, and you've never harbored feelings that actually lasted more than a few weeks before."

The cardiothoracic surgeon does not say anything else but an enigmatic: "I wish I know how to stop it from overwhelming me. I'm not used to these…emotions and it's honestly scaring me so much Junmyeon, knowing that there's a huge possibility that he'll never stop making me...feel. I've been numbed and empty for all my life and this, it's like a physical intrusion into my personal space. I almost hate it."

Junmyeon chuckles at the answer. He knows what 'unsure' feels like. Being a doctor and all, they're trained to act on any possibility that could save someone's life and unsure, or even the slightest hesitation should not be in anyway present. But falling in love, as horribly cliché that sounds, is so full of hesitations and a handful of 'unsure' that Junmyeon might as well just run away from it all. He's not used to it, he'll never be.

"Maybe all those years stuck in medschool buried under those thick illustrated books desensitized us to human emotions. I don't know if what I'm saying will help but the both of us is neck deep on the same shit."

Baekhyun plops down beside Junmyeon, who is staring down at his shoes like it’s the most interesting thing known to mankind. Funny how they both belong to the hospital's current best surgeons, they graduated from the best schools, yet they're both clueless and absolutely ignorant on how to deal with their feelings. It's anticlimactic but guess what, the world fucks with you like that, makes you question so much and doubt so much and it ultimately drives you insane just for such a human emotion like love. Hell, even teenagers can deal with emotions better than them.

"Fuck," Baekhyun interjects, successfully cutting the oppressive silence. "We're both acting weird. This is not us. I suggest we get a drink."

"I agree. I need a good whiskey shot or a bottle for that matter."

"You drink the hard kind now huh."

"I'm not even sure why I started drinking the hard stuff in the first place, let's just go."

//  
  
Due to unforeseeable circumstances, Junmyeon's memory fails on him that Friday night. He'd been thinking about his 'date' with Yifan the night before but all those extraneous information evade him after one of his patients' parents finally agree to a rare hemispherectomy procedure for their epileptic four year old. The little girl has managed to etch herself into Junmyeon's heart and the doctor could easily say that she is one his favorite patients.

The procedure would be risky but Junmyeon has been asked to scrub in to assist nonetheless. Eleven hours lead into a successful surgery and a totally wasted Junmyeon so when he steps into the doctor's lounge at fifteen minutes before 12 am and checks his phone, one word automatically leaves his lips: "Shit!"

From: Wu Yifan   
To: Junmyeon hyung.

"Junmyeon hyung, im sitting outside the hospital. Ill wait here, dont worry about me."

Sent, 6:58 P.M

Junmyeon stares at his phone screen for a considerable amount of time. He brings agitated fingers onto his cropped obsidian hair as he starts to pace inside the lounge.

Is he still outside?  
Should I just text him?   
Fuck, Junmyeon think. Think.

The doctor lets out a deplorable sigh before he comes  to a realization that he could not evade the situation. He strips out of his lavender scrubs and into a nondescript black shirt with long sleeves and some slacks. Junmyeon looked worn out at best but he could not bring himself to give a damn. He sprints out of the doctor's lounge after giving himself a final once over. At the back of his mind, he wonders if Yifan actually stayed.

As soon as Junmyeon steps out of the Hospital's main entrance, he frantically looks around for signs of his missing date but he could not see a single person anywhere in the fully illuminated vicinity. Disappointment forms in Junmyeon's gut, heavy like lead and painfully twisting. His evident first reaction was that of a cowed, feral animal.

He was expecting this outcome but the reality of it pretty much felt like he took a momentary dip in scalding water. Junmyeon somehow hated himself for that.

Just as he turns to head back inside the hospital, a deep bass voice faintly calls out his name. Junmyeon shifts to look and Yifan's tired smile, long hair and broad shoulders feel like vestiges of a pleasant dream.

"Junmyeon hyung?"

Maybe Junmyeon was just so fucking exhausted that his mind started to hallucinate. He blinks.

"Yifan…what, I don't understand."

The man in front of Junmyeon takes two long strides and encases Junmyeon in such an intimate embrace. Yifan's perfume diffuses right into Junmyeon's nose and the doctor lets it wash over him, lets it control his senses until he could finally tell that this is real. That Yifan is here. They were here.

"I missed you."

Junmyeon does not hesitate to wrap his arms around the younger tighter as he replies, "I missed you too."

//

"I was gonna take you to some fancy restaurant downtown for some equally fancy dinner but my reservation was for eight. I'm sorry."

Junmyeon chuckles as he clicks his seatbelt onto place, "Don't worry, you could always take me away for some fancy dinner next time. For now, let's just drop by and get some greasy burgers and overpriced coffee, it's my treat."

 

 

"So did you win any races abroad?" Junmyeon asks, handing Yifan his burger and coffee. The man looks exhausted but he smiles appreciatively at the simple gesture.

"Some unofficial demo races, yes. There's a big endurance competition in Thailand three months from now so the crew's trying to get a general feel of the place."

"I presume you're going to be one of the main drivers for the competition?"

"Kind of. Why do you think so?"

Junmyeon takes another sip of his coffee and smiles cheekily, "I told you about my friend who's technically obsessed with you, right? I've heard a thing or two. Turns out you're some kind of a royalty in the racing scene. I might have also told him that I am dating you. Let's just say that I gleaned a couple of murderous glares."

Yifan's laughter rings clear in the chilly October air.

"Tomorrow, I'll tell him that Prince Yifan had been eating greasy burgers with a measly commoner like me. My friend will technically skewer me but all is well."

Yifan takes a bite of his burger and says as if in contemplation, "It's actually a cheeseburger. Don't worry, I don't really mind commoners especially like the one beside me. He is beautiful."

If Junmyeon could blush to his roots he would. He lifts his head and glances at the taller man beside him, he smiles and Yifan smiles back equally blinding. Hell, Junmyeon may be thirty-three but the butterflies in his stomach are flapping about with their obnoxious wings and Junmyeon, by sheer force of will, asks them to calm the fuck down. He turns his head away because this feeling is making his head spin and he just really wants to kiss the younger man senseless.

"Can I drive your car?" Junmyeon asks instead completely diverting the topic to safer grounds.

Junmyeon has had half a mind to think that maybe asking to drive a racer's vehicle must resemble personal intrusion and he must have been making Yifan uncomfortable with the odd request.

Yifan just looks at him with mild curiosity before shrugging. He shuffles around for a bit and tosses the keys of his flashy black convertible onto Junmyeon's awaiting palm. Junmyeon stares at the key and averts his eyes onto the sleek black vehicle behind him. With some deliberation he walks beside the driver's door and unlatches it. He steps inside the vehicle just as Yifan occupies the shotgun.

"Go ahead, start and drive." Yifan tells him and Junmyeon keys in and presses a button for ignition. The car comes to life with a low rumble and Junmyeon could not believe it, the sleekness of the vehicle and the sophisticated interior could practically turn him on. He had not been paying attention when Yifan was driving earlier and he is thankful because walking around with a raging hard on did not strike his fancy.

Junmyeon splays his palms over the steering wheel, glancing beside him to see Yifan smiling almost encouragingly. Junmyeon steps on the gas, and naturally eases out onto the awning, deserted road before them.

Driving the vehicle took a toll on Junmyeon's self control. It was clearly built and modified for racing so even the slightest pressure threw it into a remarkably smooth speed, the pointer on the speedometer easing closer to 90, is giving him a secret thrill. Junmyeon wanted to floor the car, see how far he could go as he smoothly switches lanes on the expansive highway. He experiments, trying to break the law just this time, just this one time.

A heavy palm on his thigh successfully derails his train of thought.

"Junmyeon hyung."

Junmyeon exhales, easing his foot on the gas until the car slows down to a normal pace.

"I'm sorry." He remarks, awkwardly laughing,  "I did not mean to destroy your car…I just, I'm not really sure what possessed me."

Yifan chuckles, running his long fingers down Junmyeon's scalp in an almost patronizing manner, "It's okay, you're a great driver I just did not want you to receive a strike for reckless driving and over speeding. I'm dating an amazing doctor and all and I really want him to experience a few cheap thrills but we have to keep that record clean, don't we?"

Junmyeon chuckles, but despite it all, he could still hear his heart hammer behind the confines of his ribcage. He appreciated the concern in Yifan's tone, he really does. Maybe he was right to really get to know this man. They had their differences, huge differences, but somehow they fit perfectly well together.

Junmyeon decided to stop the car in the nearest place he deemed appropriate. He stares at Yifan who was staring back at him, his gaze smoldering. Junmyeon inhales before he snaps his seatbelt off, swings a leg over Yifan's lap and in no time he finds himself straddling the younger man, his back digging into the dashboard and his knees folded pushing against Yifan's seat. There's surprise on Yifan's face before Junmyeon closes in and firmly slots his lips against Yifan's pliant ones. His arms wound around the younger's neck as Yifan recovers from his shock and eagerly kisses back, Junmyeon could feel Yifan's arms around his waist, pulling him closer toward Yifan's chest.

Yifan is dominating, Junmyeon willingly lets him. Yifan alternates between nibbling and harshly pressing his lips against Junmyeon, the latter's small noises is going to his head, it makes him dizzy with want. They part for oxygen, panting in between and Junmyeon could probably see his own lust mirrored on Yifan's dark eyes. Then they're reconnecting their lips, and Junmyeon's fingers are weaving through Yifan's silky locks, tugging the tie off and letting blonde cascade down his hands.   
Junmyeon willingly parts his lips for Yifan's practiced tongue, nibbling, sucking, biting, and kissing.

God, if this continues Junmyeon is going to lose his mind. It's too intense, but not enough and he wants more, wants another's flesh against his and he's going to have just that. Junmyeon rips his mouth away with a harsh pant, his lungs retaking its need of oxygen. Junmyeon presses his forehead against Yifan and with closed eyes he murmurs, "Come home with me."

//

Everything is happening too fast but Yifan could not even begin to care. Every part of his system is telling him that it's too early for this but his rationale is clouded with too much lust and the haze is dimming every other part of his reason.

As soon as the door opens to Junmyeon's rather large penthouse flat, Yifan immediately barricades Junmyeon against the closed door, pressing his lips against the doctor's pristine neck, letting red bloom on the ivory skin. Junmyeon's chants of "Yifan please, please, please." are really getting to his head. He separates his lips from Junmyeon's neck and in some sort of decency asks, "Junmyeon hyung…we should…are you sure?"

The doctor pulls him back, "Shut up."

Yifan thinks that Junmyeon was out to end him. He could neither bring himself to care.

Junmyeon is raking a hand on his hair and down his neck and it's definitely not making things any easier. Yifan hoists Junmyeon by sheer force and Junmyeon immediately wraps both of his legs around Yifan's torso, their lips still seeking each other's warmth. By some miracle Yifan manages to guide them both to the first —blessedly —open doorway. He still respected the doctor despite the fact that he could just push Junmyeon right on the floor.

Shirts are shed and tossed unceremoniously somewhere inside the darkened room.

Yifan dips down again, kissing Junmyeon's chest, running his tongue around the doctor's nipples while his hand slides down to undo Junmyeon's belt buckle. 

  
Junmyeon feels like he's burning; every pore on his body ablaze with Yifan's heat but god, he wants more, more, _more_. A litany of:  _please. I need you, please, please, please_ interspersed with stunted curses join the cacophony of heavy breathing. Junmyeon is not even sure what the hell he was begging for.

Yifan successfully tugs down his slacks and boxers, and they slide down his legs. Junmyeon cannot even begin to feel ashamed because Yifan's hand is suddenly around his cock, torturously sliding his warm palm and Junmyeon is basically keening in for more friction.

"Lube?"

Junmyeon twists, helplessly coaxing the bedstand drawer open, grabbing the small bottle and pressing it onto Yifan's awaiting palm. The younger man is back to kissing him again, and Junmyeon kisses back like he is drowning. He could not think of anything else but Yifan's touch, his palm warm and heavy as it slides down Junmyeon's overheated skin. The touch was dominating but comforting at the same time, it felt like Yifan was memorizing every crevice of Junmyeon's body, committing it to memory. Somewhere at the back of Junmyeon's lust hazed mind, he truly felt appreciated.

Yifan's slender finger slowly inches on his entrance, slowly breaching Junmyeon's tight ring of muscle. The intrusion wasn't anything new but it is unfamiliar, Junmyeon’s body readjusting after too long of neglecting its needs. And then Yifan is inserting another slender finger teasingly skirting Junmyeon's prostate, the doctor lurches forward with a bitten off curse, his nails digging crescents into Yifan's skin as the latter scissors  him open.

Yifan is going to probably regret this in the morning, because this might end whatever odd relationship he had with Junmyeon.  But the sight before him is doing things to his conscious, stirring feelings he thought he could not possibly have. Junmyeon underneath him, flushed, beautifully wrecked and chanting his name like a mantra whilst he pushes his fingers in and out of the doctor's clenching entrance, Yifan wants the sight for himself alone, he's the only one who's going to wreck and kiss Junmyeon alright.

"Stop teasing, goddamn it." Junmyeon pants, his dick red and begging to be touched. "Please Yifan just fuck me, I need it, I need you, please."

Yifan hushes him with a searing kiss, "I don't wanna hurt you."

Junmyeon meets his concerned gaze and smiles, "You're not and you won't."

Yifan groans, "You're making this really hard for me." And I think, I am in love with you.

"I know you're hard," Junmyeon chuckles, “It’s digging onto my thighs so do something about it."

"Damn it Junmyeon, you're killing me."  Yifan remarks as he pours a liberal amount of lube onto his cock. He enters Junmyeon with a shallow thrust that manages to elicit a moan from the back of Junmyeon's throat. He gives Junmyeon time to adjust as he drowns in the older's tight heat. It makes him dizzy.

Junmyeon's eyes roll back as he felt Yifan's thick girth inside of him. The younger man's hand was still heavy on his hip, while his nails wreaked havoc on Yifan's inked back. Junmyeon almost couldn't breathe. They were too close, like they were melded together that he didn't know where he started and where Yifan began. His heart was beating fast, almost palpitating and he loved this feeling. Junmyeon loved being held and touched as if he meant something to the world.

He gasps, "Move."

Yifan pulls back and pushes down harsher, groaning at the tight warmth that enveloped his cock. "Fuck."

Junmyeon's moans were getting keener, higher at every torturously slow slam of Yifan's hips. He was going insane.

"Move faster or I'm going to really lose it." Junmyeon's blunt nails are digging onto the skin of his back. Yifan was trying to hold himself back, he didn't want to hurt this man. He didn't want to make him feel used, he wanted to make Junmyeon feel just a quarter of the heat that he ignited on Yifan's being. Yifan had no courage to admit how Junmyeon makes him feel _everything_ , how Junmyeon is the embodiment of someone he always wanted to love. So Yifan hoped, he hoped that by this, whatever the hell they were doing, will make Junmyeon feel something. They weren't just fucking to sate needs of the flesh, they were moving and connected because they were both so numbed and they just wanted to feel. Feel love, pain, satisfaction and maybe joy. 

Yifan was losing his mind.

Soon he forms a rhythm that breaks when he feels that familiar stirring in his gut. Yifan's thrusts become faster and more erratic as he pounds into Junmyeon which the doctor reciprocates with unsteady breaths and quiet moans that become louder and louder.

"Y-yifan…P-please don't stop…I'm close." 

Yifan does not plan to, he indents his thrusts with, "You're so beautiful…so fucking beautiful."

It seem to undid Junmyeon as the doctor  lets out a high pitched moan, his body shaking under the intensity of his sexual high.  Watching Junmyeon, in turn, unraveled Yifan. He groans, painting Junmyeon's insides with white. For a while, Yifan could not process anything, he slumps down and covers Junmyeon's body with his own, peppering the side of Junmyeon's neck with lingering kisses and small licks. Junmyeon squirms underneath him.  Yifan laughs as they share another long kiss; he rolls to his back dragging Junmyeon on top of him.

"It feels sticky." Junmyeon complains.

Yifan laughs, awkwardly as he reaches for the box of tissues on the bed stand. He separates himself from Junmyeon's loose hold to wipe down both of their bodies, once they're relatively free of sweat and come, Yifan returns to the bed and resumes his position beside Junmyeon. He wraps both his arms around the doctor and does not think too much about the fact that Junmyeon is the only person who he's willing to cuddle and actually spend the rest of the night with. After a couple of past lovers, he never really felt this intense of a connection before.

"Aren't you going to leave?" Junmyeon mumbles on his chest. "I mean, we just had amazing sex and all but—"

Yifan tightens his hold, carding his fingers through Junmyeon's short hair. "Do you want me to leave?"

"Of course not, I just thought that it's what usually happens with normal people. I'm not really sure how a relationship works in the first place anyway."

"I don't wanna leave hyung, I'm not really fond of post-sex cuddling either but I'd like to hold you…just a little bit longer."

"Yifan?"

"Hmm?"

"What are we? Are we friends with benefits, are we lovers?"

"I don't know Hyung. But I'll tell you that I like you, I like you more than what's necessary. I didn't mean to harbor feelings this intensely, but I'm pretty sure I blew it."

_Because I think I really love you already._

Junmyeon does not answer immediately. He inhales and buries his face onto Yifan's bare chest.

"Yifan you do realize that I really can't balance my personal life with my job. What happened tonight, I can't guarantee that it won't happen again. One way or another, my job will take up all of my time. I won't be present in all important dates, I will be too tired for intimacy. You're still young Yifan so I'm telling you that this is already a train wreck set to happen so that you can avoid it. I want you to know that I'm so tired of hurting people, that I am giving you the option to back down now before I end up hurting you, hurting myself…hurting the both of us. I don't want that to happen."

"Answer this for me then, Junmyeon hyung. Do you like me? Do you think that you'll find it in yourself to love me?"

"I like you too much already, you punk. It's unhealthy."

"Then good. I know you really love being a doctor and that I know your patients will always come first. It doesn't matter, as long as you come back to me, I'll be here. I'll wait until you're done saving everyone's lives; I'll wait until you can come save mine." Yifan inhales before he whispers, "I'll be here and I will still love you." 

Junmyeon does not answer but he leans up and kisses Yifan, and unlike the previous hour this kiss was chaste, a simple press of lips that says so much more.

The whir of the air conditioner and the quiet of the night lull them both to a peaceful sleep.

//

Junmyeon wakes up to a heavy weight splayed around his middle —his naked middle. Junmyeon groans, shifting to his side as his half awake brain seeks the warmth of the body beside him. Yifan, Junmyeon's muddled mind supplies for himself, moves to accommodate Junmyeon's position. Their legs tangle under the messy sheets and Junmyeon belatedly thinks they slot perfectly like this.

"Good morning." Junmyeon says, slightly digging his blunt nails on Yifan's side. The man moans at the ministrations and moves about to swat Junmyeon's hand or resign to the touch. The doctor is not so sure so he lets his fingers wander down Yifan's back, alternating between pressing down with his fingers or digging his nails on the skin.  

Yifan breathes, "Hyung."

Junmyeon murmers in reply. His lips trace the skin on Yifan's neck. The younger man is so pliant under his touches, so unlike the person who successfully pounded him onto his own bed last night. Junmyeon continues kissing down Yifan's upper body, his hands still roaming all the places it could reach. Yifan had switched into a language Junmyeon could guess as Chinese interspersed with breathless English profanities.

"I can't understand you." Junmyeon mutters, his lips hovering above the skin of Yifan's bare hip while one of his hands finds its way onto the racer's arousal.

"Do. Not. Stop."

Junmyeon smirks, "Oh really." He says, moving his hands torturously slow down Yifan's shaft. "I didn't know you were in the position to order me."

Chinese phrases erupt from Yifan's lips. The man was still on the process of collecting his thoughts as he resorts to,  ”Please hyung, I just…just do something damn it…fuck—"

"Like so?" Junmyeon comments, his lips slowly encircling Yifan's girth. The man whimpers in return, his fingers find purchase on Junmyeon's hair.

Junmyeon decides to show mercy as he quits teasing and finally takes Yifan into his mouth. More Chinese profanities fly into the air. Yifan seemed to enjoy it as his fingers are pulling so hardf on Junmyeon's hair, it felt like the younger intended on pulling it all off.

"J-junmyeon…"

Yifan, partially out of his own mind with lust, loses control and finishes. Junmyeon tries his best to swallow. Junmyeon pulls back as Yifan drags him up for a long kiss.

"Let me return the favor."

//

Junmyeon knew that this was all wrong on all levels of wrong. He could not even begin to enumerate how screwed up he had become, how he'd let his needs overpower his rationale.

He glances at the clock on the opposite wall, 10:36 A.M. He is thankful that it was his pseudo day off.

Yifan still slumbers beside him, his face relaxed, long hair messy from two rounds of sex. Junmyeon's gut plummets again. He should not have let it happen. Junmyeon knew that the affection he harbors for the younger man had multiplied tenfold from what manifested last night, from the complete adoration he felt from Yifan, from Yifan's words said with plain honesty painted on his face. Junmyeon is falling fast, faster and he had no idea how to stop it. It was overwhelming. His feelings always cause his demise in the end so after all the unnecessary pain, Junmyeon has learned to stash his emotions in a bottle and he prays to God that this bottle never break, that all his emotions should stay safely bottled in, corked shut.

He will be safe then. Junmyeon is too old for heartbreaks built on one night stands and fleeting affections, heartbreaks he could guess the cause of. For now he shall give Yifan the benefit of the doubt because he does not want to share even a small piece of his heart just yet, not until Yifan finally understands what kind of trouble he is getting himself into. Sure it brings a subtle kind of pain to Junmyeon, because he is an incompetent lover to someone who showers him with so much affection.  But Junmyeon is not the kind of person that gives his heart one piece at a time; he gives everything all at once, a hit or miss, all or nothing. In consequence his heartbreaks are all of the same intensity, and right now he does not want to crawl bruised and bloody with the remnants of his fucking feelings thrown right at his face.

No, he does not want to give it all knowing that one way or another he'll have to stitch himself up once again, losing a part of him in the process. Junmyeon already lost many parts of himself, parts that withered and died, or parts that were crudely ripped away from him. Yes it's all selfish but love has always been like that, fickle, it burns and just as how fast it blazes, it also dies in the same manner.

And maybe it’s not love yet but for now Junmyeon will have to reciprocate Yifan's feelings without saying anything. For now, Junmyeon would like to keep himself safe.

//

"I did not peg you to be the clingy type."

Yifan shrugs mindlessly, shoving another bite of pancake speared on a fork.  Junmyeon just sighs, and reigns in his laughter. Yifan looked ridiculous in Junmyeon's sweatpants.

When they're finished eating breakfast and inhaling two cups of coffee, they find themselves lounging aimlessly. The television is on playing reruns of old Disney cartoons, Yifan is still clinging to Junmyeon.

"Are you leeching off my body heat or what?"

Yifan snorts, "Yes, yes I am just stopping complaining."

Junmyeon chuckles as he extricates himself from his taller boyfriend, rolling his eyes when Yifan graces him with an annoyed look.

"Just let me off for a minute will you." Junmyeon says as he grabs the tiny box on the coffee table. He hands it to Yifan and the man takes it from his grasp.

Yifan smiles, "You should not have bothered Junmyeon hyung."

"Well, I'd like to be bothered and it reminded me of you, so I bought it."

It was a pair of intricate sun shaped ear piercings. Junmyeon had seen it while walking with Baekhyun on some street in Gangnam, and if he was being honest with himself, the earring reminded him of Yifan's forearm tattoo.

"So did I manage to match your jewelry tastes or did I completely botch it?"

"I like it, thank you. As a matter of fact I'll wear it right now."

Junmyeon was not expecting the reaction but Yifan shuffles to remove his silver, lobe and helix piercings to make way for Junmyeon's purchase.

"Does it look good?"

Junmyeon smiles, almost fondly. "I guess it does." 

 

"Hyung, if you don't mind me asking, why's your apartment so…huge?"

Junmyeon chuckles, "Do you mean impersonal and empty?"

"You could say that."

"My brother lived here before his wedding." Junmyeon says, standing up from the couch to refill his cup of coffee.

"Is this the same brother you told me about?"

"Yes, he's Jongin. He's my only sibling and I hate to admit this but I technically forced him to live here with me. Maybe he agreed because he felt the need to respect my demands because I was his older brother."

"Why did you force him? You felt insecure?"

Junmyeon stares at the piping hot coffee in his stained porcelain mug. "Maybe yes, maybe no. It's just that I had always been a needy, tad too dependent bastard and Jongin's always been there, he was a constant. God knows how much I needed him because he grounded me. Maybe, I'd gone insane if it weren't for him. Because you see, Fan, I am someone who panics when I don't see anyone with me. I am someone who can't live alone but also someone who hates commitment more than anything else. I am someone who's so afraid of all things that I could not control within my grasp. I am afraid of the future Yifan." Junmyeon scoffs, "Pathetic aren't I?"

Yifan's arms are suddenly around Junmyeon rather thin waist. Junmyeon had to inhale, the contact was almost too natural, and somehow Junmyeon felt that this wasn't a mistake. Not a mistake at all.

"Hyung, can I ask you to stop thinking about the future? Can I ask you to stay here, in this moment, with me? I don't want you to feel chained; I don't want to force your feelings. But you've told me that you liked me and I want to tell you that I'm willing to wait. Don't ask me what is it that I'm waiting for, because I'm not pretty sure either. But I'll wait until you're ready to face the future with me, so until then don't think about this…void. Just think of the present, your present that hopefully has me."

Junmyeon turns to face his lover, an easy smile painted on his lips. "Damn, when did you get so eloquent?"

Yifan smirks as he leans down and leaves a small peck on Junmyeon's lips, "I don't know, maybe it's just with you."

"I'm beginning to think that I did something pretty heroic in my past life. I can't believe my damn luck."

"Why?"

"Because I met you Yifan. I'm one lucky bastard."

 

Suddenly, Junmyeon's phone vibrates, the doctor spies it on the coffee table and he already has half a mind to ignore it but when the damned device vibrates for the second time, Junmyeon knew he was needed in the hospital again. He extricates himself from Yifan's hold to fetch his phone.

"OR at 14:00. Doctor Zhang requests you to assist."

Junmyeon sighs. There goes his lovely weekend.

"I have to be at the hospital Yifan. They need me to assist." Junmyeon remarks softly, staring at Yifan's subdued smile and looking for signs of the slightest ambivalence. There was none.

"Alright, hyung. I will drive you."

Junmyeon smiles at his lover, he already felt sorry. "I'm sorry Yifan, I guess I can't really come visit your grandmother today."

"It's okay Junmyeon. I told you, I know that your patients will always come first and that will be alright as long as you come back to me."

Junmyeon smiles, "I'm really so damn lucky."

//

Junmyeon never felt this urge to glue himself to someone's vehicle before. But as the biggest hospital in Seoul comes to view all he wanted was to smear super glue all over his back and stick himself to Yifan.

Wow, he was really becoming all sorts of pathetic.

Yifan lets the car glide to a stop. "I'll see you when I can... I guess." 

Junmyeon really does not want to leave and the urge grows stronger but he forces himself to snap off his seatbelt. "Alright. Good luck with Thailand."

Yifan stares at him, fond. "I'll remember to get you something, for when I come back. Will you miss me?"

Junmyeon smirks, hands wrapping around Yifan's neck as he pulls him down for another searing kiss. "There, so you'd start missing me already."

Yifan chuckles, "You're such a bastard."

"I know. You like this bastard."

"No, I love this bastard."

Junmyeon does not say anything else, however he tightens his embrace before pulling away.

"See you soon, Yifan."

//

"So, things are progressing with Kris Wu?"

Junmyeon dumps his bloodied scrubs on the trash bin and proceeds to wash his hands with so much vigor.

"You could say that," Junmyeon eyes the non-existent grime between his fingers, "we kind of…fucked. And he told me some pretty disturbing things."

Baekhyun gaped at him; he looked like a fish out of water. "You had sex? That was pretty fast."

Junmyeon rolls his eyes at the statement."Don't remind me, I technically jumped him."

Baekhyun smiles slyly and asks, "Was he any good?" To which Junmyeon answers with a solid punch. "Stop being a nosy bastard Baek."

Baekhyun chortles. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Anyway what do you mean _"disturbing thing"?_ Did he tell you he eats kids and has a mental breakdown every other week?"

"No you idiot." Junmyeon breathes before he carefully enunciates the words Yifan had told him the night before, "He told me he loved me."

Baekhyun looked uncomfortable and the previous, air of joking calm dissipates, savagely replaced by obtrusive, uncomfortable silence.

The both of them knew the gravity of those words. They weren't teenagers no more and they could not talk about deeper feelings as simply as the desire to sleep with someone. Love was unknown territory and Junmyeon does not know how to deal with it.

Junmyeon suddenly shatters the calm by admitting a silent, "I'm scared."

"Because you like him don't you. You like him more than how you usually like your one night stands."

"Yes. I can't even think too much about it without freaking out. Do you think I'm over thinking all of this?"

"I don't know Junmyeon. However, I think you need to just…go with the flow. No one's forcing you to admit it prematurely Myeon. Face it in your own terms at your own pace; it's easier to process something if you're not falling apart by the seams just with the thought of it."

"That's easier said than done, Baekhyun."

Baekhyun wanted to admit that, yes, coming to terms with your own demons is indeed not a glib task.

"I need a drink."

Byun Baekhyun rolls his eyes in defeat.

//

Baekhyun effortlessly picks up what seems to be Kim Junmyeon's seventh bottle of beer that night. The neurosurgeon is intoxicated out of his mind as he stands up on wobbly legs. He proceeds to fist the collar on Baekhyun's shirt to no avail.

"Baekhyun!" Junmyeon snickers drunkenly, "L-let's dance!"

Baekhyun is beginning to regret all the things that led to this particular moment in time. He hated it when Junmyeon drank, loathed it even more when he had to be the one who deals with Junmyeon's drunken spontaneity. They always got into trouble with it back then and Baekhyun was pretty sure —ten years later —they'd still get into trouble now.

"Junmyeon stop drinking."

Junmyeon clearly cannot hear him. Baekhyun deems the situation had escalated from worse to worst so he does his best at manhandling Junmyeon out of the bar, seething at his own luck.

"Baekhyun?"

_Oh shit. Really! Of all goddamned times._

Baekhyun glances behind him. His emergency room chief is staring at him and at Junmyeon who is leaning at Baekhyun to support his inebriated frame.

There is a small amused smile on Park Chanyeol's lips and Baekhyun wants to die out of sheer second hand embarrassment.

"Hello, Chief Park."

Chanyeol stands up and approaches Junmyeon's slumped form. "Tough night?"

"Pretty much, Junmyeon likes to get wasted sometimes."

Chanyeol laughs at this, prodding at Junmyeon's flushed cheeks. The neurosurgeon, who Baekhyun thought was asleep, suddenly snaps his head up. Junmyeon seemed disoriented by the action as his eyes roll back and for one horrifying second Baekhyun thought that Junmyeon was going to get sick. Instead Junmyeon brings his gaze back and stares unsteadily at the ER Chief.

"L-look Baekkie!!" Junmyeon grins at Baekhyun, "It's C-chief Park, your boyfriend! C-can I say—"

Out of mortification, Baekhyun clamps a hand on Junmyeon's mouth and curses him indefinitely.

"I'm sorry Chief Park!" Baekhyun says, face flushed and not from the measly alcohol he's drank.  "We shall have to head home now, good evening."

Baekhyun turns for the exit, harshly hauling a now passed out Junmyeon out of the door. 

"Baekhyun wait!"

The doctor stops and flicks his gaze to the man who called his name, raising a silent brow in question.

"I will drive you. The both of you aren't fit enough to drive."

Baekhyun wanted to protest but seeing the state that Junmyeon is in, maybe he'll need a bit of help to direct the neurosurgeon to his own apartment. Baekhyun nods and reluctantly agrees.

//

"He's surprisingly heavy."

Baekhyun just nods as he technically shoves Junmyeon face first onto his own bed. He was glad to have accepted Chanyeol's offer to help in the first place since he would not have managed to lug around a heavy Junmyeon without assistance. 

"He's been drinking a lot these days." Baekhyun gazes around the room for the air conditioning unit's controller, "Relationship problems."

"A lot of us are having relationship problems; I'm starting to think it’s contagious."

Baekhyun finds the remote and switches on the cooling contraption. "You could say that. Let's head out?"

Chanyeol nods as he follows Baekhyun out of the expansive bedroom. 

 

"So how's the divorce going?"

"It's okay. I am glad we did not have matters to bring to court. She simply just wanted me out of her life in a snap, I kinda pity myself."

Baekhyun glances at the man beside him, as he drove. There's a small resigned smile on his countenance.

"Why so, Chief Park?" It's what you wanted right?"

"Yeah, I don't really know what I want anymore. You're pretty much the only one who makes sense to me."

Baekhyun's heart rate suddenly accelerates at the careless nature of such an offhanded confession. He chuckles, hopefully concealing the drowning need in his voice. "Do you mean I'm the only no nonsense bastard who's knocked some rationality in you?"

"Maybe, but you also intrigue me a lot. You sound so cynical. It kills me that I can't stop asking myself why?"

The silence that ensued was stifling. Baekhyun did not want anything except to scramble out of the car.

"I'm not cynical, Chief Park. I'm just apathetic."

The silence that ensued after that was truly uncomfortable. Baekhyun almost thanked the gods as his high-rise comes into view. He needed to get away, get far, far, far away from Park Chanyeol.

But the ER Chief clearly had another plan because before he completely kills the engine, he turns and asks Baekhyun one obvious question.

"But why?"

Baekhyun forces himself to remain calm, he did not look at Chanyeol's direction instead his gaze remained steadily trained on the street before them. When he spoke his tone was eerily robotic it almost scared him.

"Because I've learned to accept things as they are. Simply put, he'll never love me. I can't go around with my heart on my sleeve for someone who's never going to return what I feel for him. It's not worth the pain."

And it was ironic how Baekhyun was telling all these to the same man staring right at him. The same man he'd unknowingly fallen for. It was too tragic.

And then they were there, gazing soundlessly past the tinted windshield of Chanyeol's vehicle. Baekhyun did not know what to do, and for the first time in his life he was out of words.

"You can't just assume things you're not even sure of. It's his feelings, whoever the hell he is, it's still his feelings. I'm pretty sure you can't predict the outcome unless otherwise stated. Did he tell you that he felt nothing? Did you even tell him that you love him?"

_I love you._

Baekhyun does not reply, instead he says "Good night, Chief Park. Thank you for bothering to drive me back."

Baekhyun does not hear the Chief curse vehemently as he exits the vehicle.

//

From: Yifan   
To: Junmyeon hyung ♥

I miss u already. :(

Sent, 2:12 A.M

 

From: Junmyeon   
To: my yifan

Go to sleep.

Sent, 2:15 A.M

 

From: Yifan   
To: Junmyeon hyung ♥

Dont u miss me? Ur making me sad hyung.

Sent, 2:16 A.M

 

 

From: Junmyeon   
To: my yifan

Yes, I do. I miss you so much.

Sent, 4:20 A.M

//

Junmyeon awakens with a start.  His phone is vibrating on top of the lounge table and the vibration had caused the glass he'd carelessly placed on the edge of the table last night to fall to its end, crushed into innumerable pieces.

Junmyeon eyes the thing warily.

He was in their doctor's lounge after opting to crash there after his usual 48-hour shift and he felt rather odd, as if there was an invisible something weighing down on him.

It had been a week since he's last seen Yifan. His younger lover had informed him that it was his last day in Seoul before leaving for Thailand again. And if Junmyeon was being sorely honest with himself, he'd say he misses Yifan. Junmyeon longs for him to such an extent it was like having a bad case of drug withdrawal symptoms.

His phone vibrates again. Junmyeon rolls his eyes and reads the message.

"Come to the ER."

"You have got to be kidding me."

The message was from Baekhyun and Junmyeon wondered why his best friend had asked for him. Junmyeon stands up, groaning as heads for the door.

//

"It was a vehicular accident. A car slammed him from behind. He lost control of his own vehicle and crashed it onto the concrete barricades. He has a closed fracture on his left tibia, a M3 glass laceration on both his arms, a minor T1 spine injury and deep cuts on his torso. —"

Yifan, his Yifan, was on the ER bed. His head bloody and his face full of innumerable wounds and gashes. His heavily bandaged arms are soaked with blood.

_Junmyeon is going to collapse._

"We've managed to stabilize him for now, but you need to depressurize the patient's skull Dr. Kim. Here are the CT scans so far, I've ordered the MRI it'll be here in a few minutes…"

Junmyeon could not hear any of it. His mind, for one horrifying moment, completely blacked out on him. Junmyeon felt like he was drowning. He could not move, could not even think. He blindly receives the CT scan films, his mind automatically assessing the damage on his lover's frontal lobe but his body was numbed. 

_Yifan, Yifan. God, Yifan._

"Kim Junmyeon!"

Baekhyun's voice penetrated his mind and it jump started like someone had pushed a defibrillator paddle on his head. Junmyeon stares at his friend completely oblivious to the evident fear in his own eyes.

"Can you do this?"

The ER chief looked back and forth between the trauma specialist and the neurosurgeon not knowing what to make do of  Baekhyun's statement.

Junmyeon nods as he steeled himself and walked towards the patient with grim determination. His pain is forgotten; the fact that it was his lover on that bed is forgotten. He was a doctor and Yifan was a patient that needed saving. He gave the patient a scrutinizing once over before instructing with a firm voice, "Dr. Byun open up an OR for me. I need you to assist."

Baekhyun nods in agreement and bolts out of the ward, his lavender scrubs disappearing amongst the sea of light green that is the ER's designated color.

//

For the first time in a really long while, the OR sounded like a desolate place.  No one talked as Junmyeon's fingers moved with accurate precision. It's as if the nurses and the rest of the assisting surgeons have caught on, on Junmyeon's frenetic heart beat. 

No one dared to say anything.

Needless to say, it was the toughest, most horrifying three hours of Junmyeon's life.

//

Junmyeon enters his office in Neurosurgery and proceeds to dry heave on his in-office bathroom sink. He felt like death itself loomed before him as he empties the non-existent remains of his stomach.

He stabilizes his breathing albeit futilely. His fingers shake as it clutched onto the sink so tight, his knuckles turned white.

Yifan was already wheeled into the TBI ward and Junmyeon knew for sure that his lover was stable. Yifan was breathing, Yifan was alive.

But Junmyeon's fright was still too palpable. The doctor stares at his reflection on the mirror, his face is paper white, and cold sweat ran down his temples. Junmyeon closes his eyes and forces himself to move away. He walks behind his desk, half heartedly picking forms for which he needed to fill in Yifan's medical report.

He hears the door to his office open before Baekhyun steps in, his face scrunched with worry. "Junmyeon are you alright?"

And that's when the dam broke. Junmyeon heaved, "Baekhyun I was so fucking frightened!" 

  
Baekhyun was circling his arms around Junmyeon within seconds. "You've saved him. He's alright Junmyeon, he's alright."

Junmyeon is clawing at Baekhyun's arms, it hurt but Baekhyun lets him anyway. "Junmyeon, calm down. You've saved him, you've saved him."

"Fuck," Junmyeon curses, almost hysterical. "I haven't even told him how much he meant to me.  And Baekhyun, that T1 injury could've ended his life if it were any higher!"

Baekhyun looked apprehensive as he felt for something inside his pocket. Junmyeon did not notice what it was but he did feel the prickle onto his arm before his vision started fading.   Junmyeon did not even have the capacity to question why Baekhyun had a diazepam injection ready but he was glad for it, he welcomed sleep and at the back of his mind, Junmyeon truly wanted this nightmare to end.

//

Byun Baekhyun manages to bring Junmyeon to the doctor's lounge where he can rest. The doctor was fully aware of the extent of Junmyeon's panicked reactions that Baekhyun did not think twice about grabbing a sedative injection before coming to check upon his best friend.

To understate it, Baekhyun really was not expecting Junmyeon's meltdown. He was not really aware that Junmyeon was already in too deep.

_Feelings were really frightening._

 

"Who's Wu Yifan to Dr. Kim?"

Baekhyun stares ahead and sees the same man he'd been trying to avoid for weeks now. But at this point in Baekhyun's life he was tad too distraught to make another feeble attempt to run away.

"Let's just say that the patient is a very important person to Dr. Kim. As to what their relationship is, I'm not particularly sure."

ER Chief, Park Chanyeol stares at the mug of coffee he'd been holding. "I have seen Dr. Kim in the ER too many times facing patients with the same if not worse conditions. He didn't react as strongly."

"I told you Chief Park, the patient is important to him." _Because he loves Wu Yifan_ , Baekhyun wanted to say.

"They are lovers, aren't they?"

Baekhyun walks to the pantry to grab a mug of coffee, "I don't know."

"I wonder what would happen if I suddenly turn up in the ER at the brink of death. Will somebody react as strongly? Will somebody be there to cry and panic for me?" Chanyeol ends his statement with a forlorn laugh.

Baekhyun turns and stares at the older doctor. "Forgive me Chief Park but what you're thinking is a totally idiotic thing. Don't think of those things just because you want someone to fucking panic and worry themselves to death for you. That's stupid and selfish."

Chanyeol replies his tirade with a short chuckle. "I was wondering where the sarcastic, painfully honest Byun Baekhyun had been hiding."

Baekhyun was quick to retort with his dry wit. He answers in an equally deadpan tone, "I admit I am brutally honest. But I was not hiding, why would I hide? I did not do something to warrant that action."

_Too defensive, Baekhyun._

Chanyeol does not say anything for a while and when he does, it made Baekhyun want to bolt from the vicinity. "So why were you avoiding me all this time Baekhyun? Did I do something?"

Baekhyun stares at the other doctor with his heart pounding. He could hear his blood rushing to his ears.

"No, Chief Park. You didn't." 

  
Chanyeol sighs.

"You're just like her Baekhyun. You two are both so different yet the both of you managed to ruin me all the same."

Baekhyun knew that he was being alluded to the Chief's ex-wife, he just did not know why.

"I don't understand."

 _"Whatever makes you sleep at night."_ Chanyeol scoffs, "Those were your words. The same words that made me agree to the divorce. Do you know how ironic it is, Baekhyun? After I agreed to rectify all my faults as her husband by signing those papers I thought I was going to feel that I've done something right. But no, because another had started to occupy my thoughts. He came and made me feel something. And maybe I'm pretty stupid because I read into it and thought that he reciprocated what I feel but guess what, the moment I started showing signs of attachment, he bolted."

Baekhyun was holding his breath.

"Do you know what you and my ex-wife have in common?" Chanyeol asks but Baekhyun does not answer. "You both have an uncanny ability to make me feel but the moment I show the slightest hint of being affected by all the things you do and the words you say, you immediately want to cut me off. But it took her seven years, seven long years. On the other hand _you_? Do you know how fast you stirred me Baekhyun? You made me feel something the first time we talked. You acted like you cared."

Silence.

"Am I really that easy to manipulate?"

Baekhyun could not believe all the things he was hearing. He wanted to scream his answer to that question but when it comes to Park Chanyeol words will always fail him.

The ER chief stares at him one last time before turning for the door  he was about to step outside when Baekhyun takes three strides toward the other man, he grabs Chanyeol by the man's forearm and does not think when he fuses their lips together.

Baekhyun's dreamt of this moment for so long he couldn't believe it was happening. Chanyeol, who seem to have recovered from his shock, in turn holds him by the arm as he maneuvers Baekhyun, backing him onto the closed door as he kisses back, deeper and with more emotion than Baekhyun can process.

Baekhyun really could not believe that this was happening.

"You're wrong, we're not the same. Because I care about you, and I happen to feel the same."

//

When Junmyeon comes around, Baekhyun is still there and the rest of his friends stand around him, ogling him uncertainly.

Anesthesiologist, Dr. Kim Jongdae, approaches him with hesitant steps. "Dr. Kim, are you alright?" 

"I'm fine, Jongdae. Just a bit tired."

"We heard about, Kris Wu. You did a good job."

Junmyeon's steeled, vestiges of panic creeping at him. He inhales and forces it down. He turns to Baekhyun who's still eyeing him worriedly.

"Did anyone come?"

"His grandmother and some of his crew members.” Baekhyun says, “The team's backing out without him."

_"Oh."_

"It's not your fault Junmyeon."

It wasn't his fault, Junmyeon knew. But it does not mean that it was painless nor Junmyeon did not care.

"I'm going to go see him."

//

Yifan was almost unrecognizable. During the surgery, Junmyeon had to shave off his hair to have access onto the injury on his skull. Junmyeon did not even notice he was doing it. Yifan's face had multiple bandaged gashes; his left leg is in a cast. His arms weren't broken but numerous sutures run both length.

Seeing him in that state, makes Junmyeon want to weep all over again. But it is a blessing that Yifan is slightly conscious. He couldn't open his eyes still but his fingers move.  Junmyeon could only hope for the best.

The doctor approaches his patient and leans in, hopefully Yifan could hear him. He has to.

_"You promised to always come back to me."_

//

"He's fully conscious but he's still a bit disoriented. He's at level 6 in the RLAS scale. But I'm not sure if he remembers a lot."

Junmyeon glances at his lover who is idly staring at his bandaged hands. "But he's responsive. We'll suggest rehabilitation to the family after we have those casts removed."

"Alright, Dr. Song. I'll keep you posted."   
  
As soon as the younger specialist exits the room, Junmyeon proceeds to start the basic Post Traumatic Brain Injury questioning on his own lover. Junmyeon loathed it.

"Please state your name."

 _"Wu Yifan."_ Answers a raspy voice from hours of disuse.

"Please move your fingers."

"Blink."

"Are you nauseous? Do you feel any pain?"

_"No."_

Junmyeon walks a few steps forward, he badly wanted to touch Yifan, but he couldn't. Not when the younger man was on his medication and could not even remember him. The disappointment of being unable to tell his own lover how much Junmyeon missed him is like acid that burned Junmyeon's throat.

"How do you feel?"

Yifan stares at him with mild confusion.

_"Not so well."_

//

Two weeks into his physical rehabilitation and Yifan could finally stand up and walk with crutches. His hands are not shaking and his gaze is focused. Junmyeon was infinitely proud of him but Yifan did not know because Junmyeon, for now, was only his doctor. Not his lover, not anything else.

Junmyeon was slowly caving in on himself again, because this really hurt. But he had to endure; he had to constantly remember that this was a phase to Yifan's recovery. However, Junmyeon is not positive that his professional front will stay and not crumble under his own morbid thoughts

So when Yifan smiles at him without the usual emotion in his eyes, Junmyeon painfully smiles back.

//

Yifan starts to recall his memories four weeks into his therapy. His hair has grown back, completely inky black and Junmyeon could not begin to explain how much he wanted to see Yifan's long blonde locks again.

Yifan could also remember his teammates, he could remember that he was a damn good endurance racer, he mentioned his parents' death but Junmyeon —he could not fucking remember Junmyeon.

Rubbing salt on wound, Yifan has even begun to refer to him _as Dr. Kim_ and it crushed Junmyeon's heart. Even though Junmyeon had suspected it to happen because of the fact that they have not really known each other for that long and Yifan possibly has no solid memory of him, it still hurt.

_It really goddamned hurt._

 

 

"Junmyeon….hyung?"

Junmyeon turns to look back at Yifan. The man was staring at the sun piercing that Junmyeon had given him months ago. Junmyeon's heart rate skyrockets.

"Junmyeon hyung." Yifan states again, directly staring at Junmyeon who was conducting a somber final checkup before Yifan's hospital release.

"Do you remember me?"

Yifan squints at him, expression pained. "I do, fuck _. Junmyeon why didn't you tell me_?"

Junmyeon's chest felt clear and easy for the first time in a really long while. He takes two strides, throwing his arms around Yifan's neck and basically breathing the very words he wanted to tell Yifan,  _"I missed you, I missed you so, so much."_

Yifan holds him right back, his lips pressed onto the side of Junmyeon's neck. "I could not even clearly remember you Junmyeon. This is so screwed up. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did not want to force your memories. It's bad enough that it took you so long to figure out whom you were and what happened after your accident. You had so much to process, Yifan. I'm insignificant."

Yifan pulls back from their embrace, looking positively offended "No you're not insignificant. How could you say that?"

Junmyeon feels like he is going to cry and it was embarrassing enough as it is. He pulls Yifan down, slotting their lips together. He did nothing but sigh into the kiss. Fucking finally.

_They will be okay, they will be okay._

"If you ever put me in such a trauma that I had to be sedated, I swear I'm going to sue you."

Yifan laughs before remarking, "Junmyeon, I love you."

For the first time in a really long while those words did not pose a foreboding sense of disaster to Junmyeon. He is happy, almost peaceful.

Junmyeon is so tired of running from himself, so now, he stands clearheaded. After ten long years, he could say he was ready to commit to someone again.

And he was positive that a lot was going to happen. But he was also sure that after all these; they will always have each other.

"I love you too." 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> if you've reached this particular point in this wack of a fic then let me hug you lots. omg sorry for putting you through this plotless fic. i sincerely offer no excuse for this. i'm so so so so sorry. pls dont make me re read the smut ive written, i've stressed smoke so much bc of that. kidding! (dont be like me bbs, don't stress smoke. okay.) i love you all. thank you for reading this 22k trash. bye
> 
> (aff mirror : exo_seoul)


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